Ep #64: How to Have Your Own Back

I made my goal for this year to reach my optimal health and wellness, and I’m going to be honest with you… I haven’t been 100% committed. I haven’t had my own back in this area, and I want to delve into why it is so important that you absolutely have your own back always.

This week, I am diving into what having your own back really means, and I’m giving you some examples to show you how you might not be doing this. It may come up as “legit excuses,” like you were too busy or tired to get something done, but letting yourself negotiate is going to spiral out of control and leave you feeling unaccomplished and disappointed.

Tune in this week as I explore a concept that is so crucial in any area of your life where you’re chasing a goal. Just being 99% committed isn’t enough, and no, that’s not me being drastic and extreme. Developing this key mindset is going to help you thrive, so I hope you listen in and implement some of what I’m sharing with you!

What You'll Learn From This Episode

  • What having your own back really means.
  • The point of a zero balance time blocking approach.
  • The 2 biggest reasons I see people resist this scheduling concept.
  • How you’re quitting ahead of time.
  • The consequences of not having your own back.
  • Areas in which I always have my back, and areas where I struggle to have my own back.
  • What makes us show up or not show up to our commitments.
  • Why being 99% committed is a bitch.

Featured On The Show

Full Episode Transcript

You are listening to The Design You Podcast with Tobi Fairley, episode number 64.

Welcome to The Design You Podcast, a show where interior designers and creatives learn to say no to busy and say yes to more health, wealth, and joy. Here is your host, Tobi Fairley.

Hey friends. What is up? How are you feeling today? Are you taking care of you? Do you put yourself first? Do you have your own back? Okay, okay, I get it. Sorry for the interrogation, as my teenager calls it, but these are really important questions. And they’re questions that I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.

And it’s also been coming up a lot with people that I coach in my Design You coaching program and in private coaching and anything that comes up like this for me, time and again, it really sort of becomes a recurring theme in my life. If that happens and when that happens because it happens quite a bit, I usually think it’s a great topic for a podcast.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about today. How to have your own back. So what the heck does that even mean to have your own back? Well, let me give you some examples. So first of all, I work with so many people, especially women who try very hard to improve their lives and their businesses.

And one of the ways that I teach them to do that and you’ve probably heard me talk about this before if you’re a regular listener is to use my concept of zero balance time blocking for their schedules, meaning you block every single moment of every single day in your schedule where there is zero time unaccounted for.

And I know, I know, that just blew your mind if you’ve never heard this before and you’re like, what in the heck? But before we even get into the having your own back part, you might want to go listen to episode number 54 where I talked all about this concept and the way I manage my time because it’s so cool. It’s so effective and it’s a major game-changer. So I’m going to link that episode in the show notes if you forget which one I said or you want to go back and find it, but it’s episode 54.

But the point of the exercise, the time blocking is not to be restrictive. I know it sounds that way at first, but it’s actually to do the opposite. It’s to ensure that you get all of the things into your schedule that you say you want in there. Stuff like rest, eight hours of sleep, more balance, more family time, more work time if you need that, working out. Just self-care.

All the stuff that you’re always saying you want in your schedule and it just never seems to get in there. So this is a way if you account for all of your hours, then you’re not confused on where any of them went. And I don’t mean you’re working all your hours. There’s sleep hours on there and there’s eating time and there’s watching TV time if you choose to do that.

It’s whatever you want it to look like but the point is you are in control of all of your time. And the concept really, really works, and I have completely changed pretty much my entire life using this concept, and I mean completely changed it in many, many areas. And there are things that for years I wanted to do and I talked about doing them all the time and complained about why they never seemed to happen and how there wasn’t enough time for them and blah, blah, blah, all the stuff we say.

And then I started using this scheduling approach and I started achieving thing after thing after thing that I wanted to accomplish and it was great and I believed in it, and I was showing up for myself with regard to this time blocking concept. So I teach this concept to other people, and for a lot of people, it really works for them, just like it works for me. But for others, it doesn’t work.

So does that mean that the schedule, the tool is broken or flawed? Well no. Not at all. It works just as well as any and every diet works because some of you are going to say well, diets don’t work. Well guess what? They all do if you stick to them and if you have your own back when you’re on them. But that’s not what happens a lot, right? And that’s the same thing for this time blocking approach, and we’re going to dig into this a lot today and some other areas of our life too.

But this is just a really great example that I like to use. So first let me clarify that there are some people that this time blocking thing doesn’t work for. At least it hasn’t worked yet because they don’t even allow themselves to try it because they have all sorts of reasons and beliefs – two in particular that come up a lot around why they aren’t the “kind of person who can use a calendar” like this.

So one of the main reasons I hear often is I am not the type of person who can use a digital calendar. I only use paper because I have to write things down if I’m going to remember them, and what I always want to say is hey, if you can use a good digital calendar, why are you even trying to remember things? That’s the calendar’s job. You can open up that brain space for something else.

But the point being this person is saying no, I can’t do that, I’m not the type of person who could use a digital calendar, which by the way, if you know about the thought model that I teach, it was in episode number four and a lot of other episodes, but the how you use it is in episode number four. If you know that thought model, you would know that it’s really just a thought to think to yourself, I’m not the type of person who can use a digital calendar. It’s not the truth. You absolutely could. You absolutely can if you want to, but you believe you can’t and that’s just a thought.

And the other one that comes up a lot is I’m not the kind of person who can be this restricted, or some people say structured. I’m not the type of person who can be this structured in my life. That would make me feel so trapped. And so there’s that reason too, I prefer to call that an excuse, just like the first one that’s a thought. All of these things are excuses.

And I’m not picking on the people who say them. I say all that kind of stuff too about certain areas of my life. We all do. So those two things already that we just talked about, I’m not the type of person who can use a digital calendar and I’m not the type of person who can be this restricted, those are both already about not having your own back because if you can’t open your mind to trying something and possibly believing in something that would serve you really, really well and get you to your goals, then you’re not really supporting yourself at the highest level.

You’re quitting on yourself before you even try it. You’re quitting ahead of time. And a lot of us quit in the middle or some part in the process, but quitting ahead of time, I think that’s even kind of worse. It’s kind of just a waste. You didn’t even try. So there’s those.

But then there’s all the people – and these are the ones that I really want to talk about how they don’t have their own back, and again, I’m not pointing fingers because I’m going to tell you in a minute some areas in my own life that I do this too. Mine just doesn’t happen to be with a calendar. I follow through on that one really well.

But there are the other people who buy into the whole concept of time blocking in theory, and they spend a whole bunch of time getting everything mapped out and all of their digital calendar and making it all pretty and color coded, just the way I teach it, but then when it’s time for them to do the activities on the schedule, guess what happens a lot of times?

They look at it and they’re like, yeah, I’m supposed to be doing that thing, supposed to be going live on Facebook right now, I’m supposed to be doing my financial meeting with my accountant right now, I’m supposed to be working out right now, I’m supposed to be fill in the blank right now, but I don’t currently feel like doing that thing. Guess what? They don’t do it.

The epitome of not having your own back, of letting yourself off the hook. And I’ve talked to several reasons about this very thing just this week. One in a private coaching session, one in my membership, one who’s considering hiring me for private coaching, and they all basically said, Tobi, why? Why do I put all these things in the calendar and then continue to either just ignore the calendar altogether and not even look at it, or what a lot of them do is I look at it and I see it there and I read the description, and I even consider for a minute, or sometimes for a while doing it.

Maybe I’m considering it the whole time I’m sitting in that block that I was supposed to be doing something and I’m negotiating with myself the whole hour but then I’m choosing consciously not to follow through. Like, what in the heck? And that’s when I want you to realize that is the epitome of not having your own back.

And if you don’t have your own back, it is going to be nearly impossible to do the things that you say you want to do in your life. And sure, it’s great when other people have your back and help you, but if you don’t have your own back, it doesn’t matter how much support you have, how many tools, how many coaches or trainers if you don’t have your own back and you let yourself off the hook for follow through, it’s not going to happen.

So you’ve got to be able to trust yourself to do what you said you wanted to do. Because when you were mapping out that whole calendar or writing out your food plan or deciding to get on a diet or deciding to start a new business, or deciding to get into a relationship or whatever the heck the thing was that you were committing to, in air quotes I say right now, committing, because we aren’t fully committed if we don’t have our own back, but whatever the thing was, if you can’t trust yourself to follow through with it and show up to it and be fully committed to it, it’s not going to happen.

So in those moments, I want you to realize what you are doing. You are making a choice. We absolutely have free will. We are in control of every decision we make, and we always have a choice, even though we sometimes say we don’t have a choice, we tell ourselves we don’t. I’ve said to myself many times well, I have to work today, I don’t have a choice. Well yeah, I do have a choice. I could just blow it off.

Might there be a consequence? Sure, but I still have a choice. So in those moments, you have a choice and what you are choosing is what you want right now, which is often to procrastinate or to nibble or cheat or whatever that particular choice is for you, but a lot of times it’s kind of in the area of procrastination. So that’s choosing what you want right now instead of choosing what you say you really want long-term.

So this is that idea of instant gratification. And a lot of us do this. We’re like, well I know I said that I wanted to X, make a million dollars, lose 20 pounds, start a new business, quit my job but still support my family, get married. I mean literally, have a baby, whatever it is you said you wanted but, in this moment, right now, you are making a choice to not have your own back with regard to that goal.

And the way we know that you don’t really want those things, you’re not fully committed to those things long-term is you aren’t following through with them. Your actions are proving what you really want. So what is that? Look at your life. What is it that you really want? You wouldn’t want to admit it. You wouldn’t want to say absolutely Tobi; I just want to procrastinate. That’s what I really, really want.

But your actions, not your words, not your beautifully time-blocked calendar that you don’t follow through with, those aren’t the truth. The truth is what you’re actually choosing to do and so your actions and the results you’re currently getting, those are going to show you really loud and clear what it is that you really, really want.

So for me, apparently, I want to not lose these 20 pounds that I’m trying to lose. I was willing to lose the first 10 but all of a sudden, I obviously don’t want to lose the other 20 because I’m not doing that. I’m going to talk about that more in a minute. But what is it that you’re not doing that you say you want?

I really want to – like me, lose weight. I really want to pay off debt, or I really want to save for my child’s college fund, or I really want to something else. What is it that you’re saying you want but you’re not following through? Because I’m challenging you to realize and to be honest with yourself that at this very moment, you don’t really want it the way you say you want it.

And this is a really big deal, y’all. It’s so important because it’s all very confusing to us if we don’t realize that we’re choosing to get the results we want. Because a lot of you are like, no Tobi, I promise, I mean, I promise, I really, really want those results. I really want more than anything in the whole entire world to X.

Lose weight, pay off the debt, make a million dollars, like literally, doesn’t matter what it is. I really, really want it. But if you don’t have your own back in those hard moments, you’re never going to make it happen. So you have to choose and decide to have your own back. That’s what commitment really looks like.

And every time you let yourself down in any of those areas, guess what? It becomes easier to do it the next time. It’s not impossible to go back and fix it. It’s possible, but it gets easier because you’re like, I didn’t go to the gym the first time or I ate off plan on my diet yesterday, I think I’ll do it again today. It just becomes so much easier.

And then for a lot of you, it even gets worse than that, than being easy. It is compounded by the fact that when you do not have your own back, when you do let yourself off the hook, when you don’t follow through, guess what else you do? You beat yourself up about not having your own back, about not following through, and that feels horrible. It’s like you’re punching yourself in the face.

So you already didn’t follow through on what you said you wanted, so there’s that, which stinks, and then you’re hating on yourself. You’re self-loathing and you’re creating all this suffering. And so it makes the whole situation way worse and that kind of thinking and that kind of behavior and hating on yourself, guess what? It’s not having your own back because if you’ve got somebody’s back, do you hate them? Do you punch them in the face? Do you beat them up and make them suffer? No.

So that’s not having your own back either. So why? Why don’t we have our own backs and in what areas do we not have our own backs? I want you really think about this because there are some areas that you do, right? There are some areas – we all have areas that we show up for every single time, but we also typically have one or many that we don’t do this.

So for example, for me, I pretty much always do what I say I’m going to do when it comes to my work. I follow through, I take action, I have a crazy work ethic, and it’s not just for other people I commit to. I mean, I follow through for myself. I’m up here recording a podcast right now on a Thursday night at almost seven o clock while my daughter is at camp and I could just be downstairs, hanging out, watching TV or out on a date with my husband, which we are going to do in a minute by the way.

But guess what? I’m committed to showing up for me and for you, so here I am recording the podcast. And I have a really high commitment level when it comes to anything to do with my work, but guess what? I also tell myself really amazing things about work. I tell myself I love my work, I especially love the work I’m doing right now.

I love my coaching program and I love helping people and I love my podcasting. And I’m doing some really other cool exciting things with my design business right now and I love working on all of that and it lights me up and I’m so excited and can you hear that? Look at how I’m talking about work. So it’s way easier to have my own back when I believe that this is a very worthy thing for me to spend my time doing and I really like it. That’s easy.

And so that’s what I’m showing up for consistently. But when it comes to my health, not always showing up for myself, and in the past, I was way worse about this. I mean, I honestly, not kidding you, was the worst about having my own back, especially in things like working out. But I’ve been working on this for a few years and I’ve made a ton of progress, but it’s not all fixed yet y’all. This is a lot of heavy-duty personal work if we’re going to fix things like this.

It’s a whole bunch of mindset work. And so this year, I decided to really double down in this area because it’s what was really kind of sticking out to me like a sore thumb of why is that areas of your life, Tobi, the one you just don’t follow through on, that you don’t have your back on. And not that I’m not doing anything – and I’m going to tell you about that in a second because it’s 100% commitment that it takes to get results. Not a 75% or 80%, or even 90%, or even 99%. I’m going to tell you what I mean by that in a second.

But it really got me thinking, why is this one area where I struggle? And so I decided to really double down on it and challenge myself this year of how I’m going to reach optimal health for me and how I’m going to really have my own back in this area. And so I committed to taking the whole year, and if it takes two years, I’m committed to that too. I’m not giving up, I’m not quitting, it wasn’t on a short timeline. I didn’t create some of these habits in a day.

And so I’m like, okay, I’m giving myself a whole year or longer to really dial in my commitment to my personal health and wellness at the optimum level. And so what this goal of mine has been helping me do is really study for me, and for other people as I’m talking to them like I do in my coaching program or just literally out at dinner is studying what makes us show up for us and what makes us not show up, and that’s what I want to get into right now.

Let’s get into some of that because you may show up for yourself in one area and not another, so you may show up for yourself in your nutrition and exercise. The opposite of me. But maybe that’s a total non-negotiable for you and you don’t even think about it, you just do it, and you’ve been doing it for as long as you can remember and you stay the same ideal weight all the time and you’re always going to the gym and you like it.

And like I said about my work, it feels easy. And getting yourself to not follow through on that was near impossible because you just believe it to your core and that’s how I am about work. But maybe you’re the opposite about work. Maybe you don’t have your own back when it comes to work and like the opposite of me, maybe you don’t have your own back when you’re supposed to be recording something like a podcast at seven o clock at night or you’re supposed to be meeting with someone or you’re supposed to get your financials ready to meet with your accountant tomorrow, or you’re supposed to follow through on something you promised one of your team members and you’re like, I’ll do that later.

That could be a huge problem for you and it might be the reason you’re not getting the results you want. And maybe it’s not work, y’all. Maybe there’s so many areas. Maybe it’s in your relationships. Maybe in your relationships you are consistently saying yes to things you don’t want to do, at the expense of yourself and at the expense of your own time and your own energy and your own joy, but you’re always saying yes to all these other people.

And then you go away and you’re like, I’m done with that. This is the last time I’m doing it, I’m going to show up for me and I’m going to tell them no, and then the next time something happens, you don’t keep your word to yourself, you don’t have your own back because that’s scary, and you decide to just give in and people-please and not choose you.

And again, let’s be clear. Remember, we always have a choice. We have a choice to show up and do the work. We have a choice to say no. We have a choice to eat what we said we were going to eat. You have a choice to not eat the cupcake that’s right in front of us. We always have a choice. So one area, speaking of that that I was just working on really deep this week with my life coach is the area of health and wellness for me is my diet.

And so first of all, I was saying to her you know, for years Suzy, I was so inconsistent with my exercise, but this year I decided to fully commit, and I decided to get a trainer and go to the gym twice a week, and y’all seriously, it’s not just like going to the gym. It’s like, they kick my butt twice a week. I mean, it’s like all the – what do you even call all the stuff? HIIT training, cross-training, interval training, I don’t know, all of it.

Weights, I’m pushing a sled, I’m slamming ropes, I’m throwing all these balls around, and I love it and I never ever liked it before, but I was never committed before. And I committed this year and I decided I would have my own back and I decided my only goal for the gym was to just show up twice a week every week unless I happen to be out of town like for work or vacation. But if I was here, I was showing up every single week, twice a week this whole year and then I would take a look at what my life looked like.

So my goal wasn’t to lose 20 pounds in two months at the gym. It was to just show up and I was just committed to showing up. And here I am six months in and I have been so committed more than I’ve ever been. And I could tell you that it was my personal trainers. I could tell you it was Kim and Caleb because I have two of them. They kind of tag team, and they’re awesome.

And I could tell you that it’s just because they are the best trainers that have ever been in the whole world, and they are. They’re amazing. But y’all, I’ve had multiple personal trainers in the last gosh, probably 30 years of my life and I’m sure those people were amazing too, but I didn’t have my own back at those times. But this year I decided, capital decided, all caps, and remember to decide – and maybe you don’t know this so let me just tell you.

Maybe it’s remember, maybe it’s listen. Listen to this. To decide means to cut off. So when you decide, if you actually decide, you have committed 100% because it means that you have cut off all other options but the thing you’ve decided to do, which for me was being consistent and showing up at the gym.

So there’s literally no other option for me, and I’ve done that so well, which really kind of blows my mind because for 30 years, can’t do it, decided, committed, I’m doing it. I’m like, what is that, Suzy? Why? Why didn’t I do it before? And it’s really this concept of I didn’t have my own back. I didn’t hold myself accountable. I let myself off the hook. I believed my own excuses and complaining and all of that stuff.

And now, got my own back. I don’t miss pretty much ever. And trust me, there are days I don’t want to go. It’s not that the thought doesn’t enter my mind that I don’t want to go today, but I just don’t waiver. I don’t even entertain another choice. And after those six months of doing it, those days even come up less than they used to. I find myself really looking forward to it.

Now I’m starting to think like, how can I improve my sessions? How can I get better at the form and the motion and all that stuff? I’m all in now. But there are still times like, every month that I think, ugh, it’s raining, I’m tired, I don’t want to go, but I don’t negotiate because I’ve got my own back. The difference is that before, with all those other personal trainers, I allowed myself to skip. I allowed not showing up to be an option and I love a certain way of describing this, and I’ve known this for years.

I’ve known this concept for years, way back when I read this book originally by Jack Canfield that is just one of my all-time favorites. A lot of you may have read it. It’s called Success Principles. And he has this theory in there called 99% is a bitch, 100% is a breeze. And I know some people don’t really understand this, even when I was talking to my dad about it before, he’s like, well that’s ridiculous. If you’re committed 99%, that’s going to be good enough.

And I get what he’s saying in theory, but here’s what I want you to think about or to understand about this. We’re talking about 99% commitment meaning you’ve left 1%, you left an opening, you’ve left a chance that you’re not going to go, that you’re not going to show up, that you’re not going to have your own back. And even that little tiny 1% chance makes the possibility that you won’t go an option.

And you’re like, well yeah, 1% option. But really, that’s not what it looks like because here’s what happens. 99% is a bitch because if you’re 100% committed and you have your own back and you’re completely committed to doing this, no matter what it takes, you don’t consider not going. But if you leave that 1% chance open, here’s what that looks like.

You make it so much harder on yourself, which is the bitch part because this is what that could look like, for example, about going to the gym. So you’re 99% committed, you’re like yeah, I’m all committed, and then guess what happens? You wake up one morning and your plan is still to go workout at 6am, and if you’re 100% you went. You’re already there.

But if there’s that little window, that little 1%, that’s when you can start negotiating with yourself. And here’s what that looks like; the alarm is going off, god, is it already 5:45? How could it possibly be 5:45? Am I going to go to the gym today? God, I don’t want to go to the gym today. I’m tired. I don’t feel like going. It’s so comfy in here, it’s warm, it’s cold outside and I’m really tired. I mean, I had to stay up late last night, it wasn’t even really my fault, and gosh, it’s been a busy week. It’s been such a busy week. And let’s just be clear, I’ve worked more this week than most people work in a month. I deserve to have a day off and blah, blah, blah, as I said earlier.

Because if you ever start the negotiating in that tiny little 1% opening that you left for yourself, you are in big trouble. And if you don’t have your own back in those moments, if you’re not committed to showing for what you really want and you’re willing to choose what you want right now instead, guess what? You’re not going. Snooze button it is, baby. Another hour of sleep, which feels so good right then. But guess what it feels terrible?

It feels terrible a few months later when you were hoping to be more fit or smaller or fit into a certain item of clothing or have more energy or have better results on your yearly checkups at the doctor, and guess what? You’re not going to have any of those results you wanted because you chose in that moment what you wanted right then instead of what you wanted long-term.

So this is all so true for all of us in some areas, and for me, it’s in my diet. So now I’ve got the gym down. 100% committed to the gym, I absolutely have my own back. There is no other option for me. But with food, if I’m being perfectly honest, I’d say I’m about 85% committed to eating the stuff that would get me the results I want. Maybe even 90%.

And again, you might think, good grief Tobi, 85%, that’s pretty good. And it is, y’all, but 15% of the time if you’re eating off plan, that literally – not only is that not losing weight. That could easily mean gaining weight, depending on what you’re eating. So if you say what I eat, you’d be like, dang girl, you are super healthy and you make really good choices.

And that’s true, and my family for sure thinks so because they’re all super picky eaters. But guess what? 85% commitment does not get me to the optimal health and wellness I’m looking for this year, and I do what I say 100% of the time for the gym or for my work. And again, this doesn’t mean I’m going to the gym seven days a week. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about extreme dieting or extreme exercising, or extreme working. That’s not what we’re saying here.

What I’m saying is once you make a decision that I’m going to work at these times, I’m going to eat this food, I’m going to go to the gym this many times, I’m going to spend this much time with my family because you’ve decided ahead of time that that was a great way to get you the next step towards your goal, and then you don’t follow through, that is a problem.

So my point here is whatever my decision is, which for me is only two days a week at the gym right now. It’s not negotiable. I go every single time. But with food, I’m not doing what I say I want to do each week. I’m not saying I’m never going to have a treat. Yeah, on my plan I have some stuff that maybe is a little more calorie-dense or maybe has a little sugar occasionally.

But the problem is I’m just being wishy-washy 10% to 15% of the time of even doing what I’m supposed to be doing in the other moments. And that’s a problem because I don’t have my own back. And in those moments, just like the people who look at their schedule and say I don’t feel like doing this right now, guess what? I’m looking at what’s on my list and going, I don’t feel like eating chicken right now.

And maybe I just exchange chicken for steak, but guess what? I still didn’t do what I said I was going to do. I still didn’t have my own back in that moment, so who cares how many calories I added? Who cares if it was an even switch? The problem is not having your back and not doing what you say you’re going to do.

Because if you start negotiating fish for chicken or chicken for fish, or steak for chicken, then guess what? Maybe then the next time it’s ice cream for an apple because you’ve made it so easy to not do what you say you were going to do. So this is how important having your back is in every part of your life that you want to get results.

So just like with getting up in the morning and going to the gym, if I start negotiating with myself, say around three in the afternoon or eight at night because I want something else to eat that I hadn’t written on my plan for the day, if I eat it, I didn’t have my own back. I let myself down. I did not support myself. I did in the moment what felt good and I’m going to be really mad at myself when it comes time to check in on my results and I didn’t get to where I wanted to go.

And sure yeah, maybe I’m choosing a 100-calorie coconut ice cream bar at eight o clock at night. It doesn’t matter. I’m not arguing whether – again, being extreme with dieting because I’m not. It’s that I’m not doing what I said I was going to do, and that’s the biggest problem. Food is not the issue. Work is not the issue. Going to the gym is not the issue. It’s that I’m giving in and I’m negotiating and I’m not committed to the area that I said I wanted to be committed to fully, and I’m only doing around 85% or 90% or even 99% but it’s still not going to get to the results that you said you wanted.

So again, it’s exactly the same thing as people ignoring their work schedule that they were planning out that was going to help get them more clients or more profits, or move them into a new area or get their business future-ready. If you don’t do it, if you’re like, I saw it on there but I ignored it, guess what? Your business isn’t going to be future-ready. If a recession comes, you could be in serious trouble because you didn’t follow through and do what you said.

So I want you to start to see where are you doing this to yourself because I now can really admit, I’m so clear. I’m not lying to myself anymore that I’m not showing up for myself the way I want to with my food. And I can clean this behavior up, I can dial this in, but only if I do that for myself. Having a trainer is great, having a coach is great. All of that stuff helps. But I’ve got to stop pretending to be fully committed in this area, this particular area of what I’m eating and tell the truth to myself, which I’m now doing, and I love that.

Because I was allowing myself to do what I felt like doing in the moments, and I was telling myself I didn’t have a choice in those moments, and I was telling myself all the legit excuses for why I was eating off my plan, and trust me, they were all legit. They were all real, they were all true, but at the end of the day, legit excuses, whether about your work or working out or your diet or spending time with your kids or whatever it is, legit excuses are still excuses.

And excuses don’t equal results. And so now I’m back to doing the work to be fully committed in this area, just like I am at the gym. I’m not fully committed to doing exactly what I say I’m going to do in my eating. I’ve got my own back. Am I going to be perfect? Am I going to fail at it occasionally? Yes. But I’m going to commit and I’m not going to quit ahead of time and I’m not going to negotiate with myself because I have a choice.

And I can do the work and I can stick to it and I can write it down and I can follow it, and you can too, whether it’s about your work or your calendar, any of it. You can do it because only you can do it. So what about you? Where do you not have your own back? Where are you letting yourself off the hook again and again and again? Where are believing all of your legit excuses because they’re true?

Like if you told me, I’d be like, oh yeah, that’s a legit excuse, but heck, still an excuse y’all. So where are you living this way? Where are you living in the 99% is a bitch concept that Jack talks about instead of really committing? Where are you leaving even just a tiny window of possibility open that’s coming back to bite you, that’s keeping you from following through, that’s allowing those negotiations to start?

Because if you ever hear yourself negotiating like should I eat one more bite of this food, or should I get up and go to the gym, or should I call my husband because I’m supposed to be working on our relationship and I don’t feel like it right now, whatever it is, the minute you start negotiating, it’s a problem and you’re likely not going to do what you said you were going to do.

And friends, negotiating is exhausting. It’s really second-guessing. It’s really having to re-decide what we already decided. So why are we tired all the time? And tired, heck, tired is one of our excuses for not following through, right? Why are we so tired? Because we’re continually making decisions over and over and over again that we already made and just didn’t follow through on. So stop doing that. Have your own back.

It is one of the most important mindsets that you can possibly develop because if you can show up in all the areas that you say you want, even if you do them one at a time and it takes years, you are – and hey, that’s how we have to do it. We can’t take on everything at once. But if you tackle them one at a time and you commit and you show up for yourself in those areas, you’re going to blow your own mind with what is even possible for your life.

And I’ve done this in my life, I’m continuing to do it in my life. I’m doubling down on the food stuff right now, friends. It’s going to work. I have no doubt. And why do I have no doubt? Because I’m 100% committed. Okay friends, so have your own back. You’re the only person who can and you have to. You not only are the only person who can, you’re the only person who has to. And if you don’t, again, you can have all the tools and all the trainers and all the support in the world and you will still never ever reach your goals and dreams.

So I’ll see you next week with another great interview with a friend that you’re going to love but for now, have your own back. Okay, I’ll see you soon.

Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of The Design You Podcast. And if you’d like even more support for designing a business and a life that you love, then check out my exclusive monthly coaching program Design You at tobifairley.com.

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Hi! I'm Tobi

I help creative women (and a few really progressive dudes) design profit-generating, soul-fulfilling businesses that let them own their schedule, upgrade their life and feel more alive than ever!

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