You are listening to the Design You podcast with Tobi Fairley, episode number 148.
Welcome to the Design You podcast. A show where interior designers and creatives learn to say no to busy and say yes to more health, wealth and joy. Here’s your host, Tobi Fairley.
Hey, hey friends, we have just about wrapped up this month. I had a big birthday yesterday, by the day you’re listening to this. I turned 49, yay, my last year of my 40s, let’s see what we’re going to make this year mean. And I think today’s episode is the perfect episode to really kind of get a glimpse into what – and not only year 49 might look like for me but what my 50s might look like for me. Because this episode is pretty vulnerable, it’s a little deep in some areas.
It’s an interview with Lucy Shahjahan and Lucy and I have had two conversations which was such a blessing to me. The reason we had two is because our first one had some audio hiccups so we weren’t able to use it so we recorded that back in December. And then we got to record all over again so yay for me and yay for Lucy, double the fun. But let me tell you a little bit about Lucy. She is the founder of Soul to Soul Global.
She has a brand new book that’s coming out, I believe maybe today, the day this episode goes live. It was going to be called Don’t Shoot in my Vortex, I think now the title’s called I’m Done. And I’m Done is such a perfect kind of description of a lot of what we talk about in this episode. The things we’re done with, the things that aren’t serving us anymore, the places that we find ourselves forcing, and trying to be things we’re not, and not paying to sort of what our heart desires.
So what Lucy really does is she helps people find their soul mates in relationships and attract the love of their life but she does this by helping people first become their own soul mate, and really unlocking your hearts, and tearing down walls and really plugging in to your own feminine power. And we talk about all of that on this episode.
And I don’t know, there’s just something about Lucy that she just gets me – I don’t know – not only do we connect but she gets me to a place where I’m just so open. And it’s so easy to talk about, I almost feel like I’m on the therapy couch and Lucy’s the doctor. And I’m like, “Let me tell you about some other things that I’m done with”, and then I’m over and so both of our interviews were so much about those very things.
The very first time that we recorded I had just gotten rid of my Peloton bike the day before. And right where I sit in my podcast room the Peloton was right in front of me because it’s my yoga workout space and my podcast room. And so it was really visible to me that it was different that day. And so I mentioned it to her and she loved it and she was like, “I think that’s the name of your book.” I can’t remember how we said it, why I sold my Peloton or why I got rid of my Peloton.
But really it was one of those moments where I’m like I don’t even like this. And why am I pretending I’m supposed to be one of the Peloton lovers and the people who are out on Instagram connecting and like, “Yeah. Follow me, I’m the Peloton girl.” And again, I’m not bashing any of you Pelotoners, I love you, you’re inspiring, I’m just not one of you. And it took me – I don’t know – a year and a half of paying for this bike and not using it to figure out that I didn’t want it anymore and that my heart was not in it.
And so that conversation in December really led to one today that was an extension of that, of where else I’m done and what else isn’t working for me and why. And so I think that this episode might resonate with you on a deep level, I hope it does. And I hope it really helps you see the ways that you are not honoring your true self and you’re not being your own soul mate. And that very thing is keeping you from connecting with not only yourself but other people, and maybe even the love of your life, whether you have them there already in your life or you’re looking for them.
So enjoy this episode with Lucy, it’s a good one, and yeah, she might just blow your mind a little bit, okay, enjoy.
Tobi: Hey Lucy, welcome to the Design You Podcast. I’m really glad you’re here today.
Lucy: I’m so excited to be here today.
Tobi: So we did this once already and we had bad audio. And I mean what a treat for me and you because we both were like, “We need more of each other.” So we get to do it all over again. So it’s all good, right?
Lucy: It just makes me think of that quote, “This or better.” And I think we can be disappointed when things don’t go the way that we thought that they were going to go. But I think a lot of that, you know, even yesterday on my birthday, we went to go and get my favorite piece of pizza and favorite mocha. What do you do know, we get there and they say, “We’re closed for the 6th and the 7th.” I go, “Excuse me.” And I had to stop and go, “Well, what if there’s somewhere we haven’t even discovered yet?”
So I know that – I’ve been really excited to connect with you again and I think that that’s just a really powerful kind of reframe. But those of you listening, that it can apply at, you know, on a very grand scale, we miss out on that we had, oh but that’s going to be the thing, or that’s going to be the relationship and to sit back and go, “But maybe it wasn’t meant to be”, and then redirect and go, “I’m just tuning into this or better, the best is yet to come.”
Tobi: I love that so much. So, well, happy birthday, and my birthday is this month also, so a good month for birthdays. But why don’t you tell everybody a little bit about you so that we can kind of set the tone and they know what your genius is and what you’re about. And then we’re going to get into some really interesting conversations that I think are very timely for starting new years or having any kind of change that we go right into an old pattern of thinking. And we really want to interrupt that today with some of the things we’re bringing.
So tell them about you and what we’re going to talk about a little bit.
Lucy: Okay. Well, my name’s Lucy Shahjahan. I’m an Aussie as you can hear and I actually live with my beautiful family in Malibu in California. And I have been put on this Earth to help women come home to the woman that they were born to be. To learn how to hold themselves as sacred and to learn how to be their own soul mate first. So I attract single amazing women from around the world, but it’s funny, they come to me because they want to meet the guy, they think that’s what’s missing. When in actual fact they figure out that the person they have been looking for their entire life is them.
And so this is about cutting through to the places that, you know, therapy doesn’t get to and about realizing that each of us have so much magic and potency inside of our soul. And when we have that space held for us miracles show up. So it’s been a journey for me, Tobi, I didn’t just land here. I had to go on my own huge journey of coming home to myself and actually I used to think I was so self-expressed.
And I’ll never forget one day, I went to this healer and he was like, “You’re 80% suppressed.” And I was like, “I think you got the wrong person. I’m really expressed, I’m really authentic. I’m really vulnerable.” And he’s like, “You’re none of those things.” I nearly fell over. But I was obviously at his workshop for a reason. So I had to just stop because my ego was just like, I don’t think so. But then I started to let it in and I was like, well, maybe this is why my life isn’t working right now and why I’m not attracting the type of guy that I want and I’m not living on purpose.
So I had to just – it’s amazing how we can fool ourselves in thinking that we’re all those things. But you only have to look at your life and look at the outcomes to go, “Well, am I actually living my best life?” Can I genuinely look at myself in the eyes in the mirror and say, “I love myself and I love who I am?” Let me tell you something, the answer for both of those things was no and no. So I let it in and that just sparked a whole journey of expansion, self-discovery and going within.
And I’m so glad that I was able to actually let it in because a lot of the time we just skip over that and go, “Oh no, I’m fine. I’m fine, it’s not me, it’s the other person, or it’s this and that or it’s my childhood.” And I just thank God was ready to receive that feedback. And then I decided in that moment wow, there’s a whole lot of people pleasing, there’s no boundaries. I’m putting my mum’s voice above my own. And I started all – it’s like all these tetras waves were coming in. I was like, “Whoa, I didn’t even realize how out of alignment I was until I did.”
So that’s kind of just a little snippet of sort of why I do what I do. And I’m, you know, we’re all a working progress. I’m still uncovering lots of things, particularly in the landscape that 2020 was. But look, I tell you, I’m celebrating, Tobi, that it was actually my biggest year in helping women getting to soul mate relationships. So for those of you listening whatever you’re wanting to call it in 2021, do not let your external circumstances, or the news, or that huge fear that’s sitting in the collective right now, don’t let that consume you. Stay in your lane.
And remember that desires, and feeling good are not just for Christmas, this is about staying open and being a vessel ready to receive on all levels. Don’t get caught up in other people’s projections, scarcity and stories.
Tobi: Yeah, totally. I love everything you’re saying. And you mentioned both people pleasing and boundaries. And then you also touched on pleasure which we’re definitely going to get into today. And those are all things that have been coming up a lot for me in the last week, not even necessarily me people pleasing, I’m sure I do at times, we all do. That’s not kind of one of my go to issues normally. We’re going to talk about what mine is. But it’s come up for so many people I’ve been talking to in the last, yeah, I don’t know, week, clients, friends, people I know.
But it all is related, the boundaries, the people pleasing, the postponing pleasure, thinking there’s a time and place for pleasure. You and I were just talking about before we got onto the call, and it’s something that’s really been coming up for me in some books I’m reading, some coaching I’ve been getting of how we do this. We postpone pleasure and we’re like, “Well, the holidays, okay, pleasure’s allowed.”
But come January 1, we don’t even call it this but what we might as well be calling it is removing all pleasure from our life. Because we’re like, get on the wagon, get on the program, stop being whatever kind of criticism we are, stop being lazy, overeating, off the wagon. All that stuff. And what I’m really noticing for one of the first times ever is that we literally are taking all the pleasure out as if we’ve done something wrong and we should be punished. We’ve been bad and it’s time to remove the pleasure.
And that’s a narrative I want to completely turn on its head this year. Not that we can’t have goals, goals are amazing. But I think this moving out of that, which is kind of what feels nurturing and loving and what we really want to be doing, connecting with other people. And going into the grind and the on track, and the what other people think you should be doing, and eating, and how you should be working out. I’m so over every piece of that, it doesn’t feel good. And I’m seeing myself resist any part of that.
And I want to talk about that, the last time we spoke I told you I had just sold my Peloton, this was mid December. And I felt almost weird and guilty about it but I was like yeah, I did it, I hated that effing things. I got rid of it, I felt so much better just not looking at it. But there’s still some programmed patriarchal cultural narrative that’s almost like I’ve done something wrong and it’s just waiting to see what kind of horrible consequences I create for myself or my body since I’m not getting on the program.
So let’s talk, I know I just unloaded a lot but it’s kind of all in that same realm of just releasing the narratives, the people pleasing, the diet, the program, all the things. And can you talk to us about that and your perspective on what that means and what we’re doing there and how we can think differently about this – I don’t know – this program we’ve all just put ourselves on for the new year?
Lucy: I just go so much coming through so I just want to unpack it piece by piece because you’re absolutely hitting the nail on the head. That there’s like this brief that we’re following on which is like yeah, Christmas. You can eat as much as you want. Drink what you like, enjoy yourself, relax, take some time off. And we’re like, “Okay, I can do that, great.” And then suddenly January comes and people do dry January. That’s fine but really that’s a metaphor of like turning off. I’ve got to go without. But what it is, it’s a very conditional landscape. It’s a stop start.
Even the word ‘goals’ has a real masculine energy versus desires. Anywhere in the world feeling like we should be doing anything, that should is the huge red flag. And when you hear yourself saying should, we’re instantly going back into that robot, follow the pack, listening to what everyone else says that we should be doing. And we’re completely turning off our own connection to our intuition and to the divine, universe, God, whatever you call it.
And so what I’m hearing from what you’re sharing is we’ve moved beyond getting the universal brief. And this is about at an individual level asking the question to yourself more than once a day what feels good for me? How does this feel good for me? Is this aligned with me today right now? And until you stop and take that pause and allow yourself to receive the answer, which is in our feminine, and [inaudible] thing, you absolutely, this is about you tapping into your divine feminine as well, because we need the masculine.
The masculine when it’s healthy is when we take that inspired action, action from a place of desire and feeling good. When we’re in the goal energy and I should energy, we take action from the wounded masculine, it’s lack. It’s taking it from a place of poverty consciousness. And that’s why it doesn’t feel good, Tobi, that’s why when you were sharing, I could feel your body wriggling and contracting because we are expansive limitless beings.
And then we go and put ourselves in a box and wonder why we’re not actually feeling deeply fulfilled even if we have a million dollars in our account. Even if we’re on target with our business, that’s not the stuff that makes us feel good. What makes us feel good and what keeps us in alignment is continuing to say yes to our desires, yes to ourself which looks like self-care and prioritizing ourself, not once a month, every single day.
The minute we put ourselves last, when we start putting clients, or family, or whoever, in front of us we start to actually weaken the connection to our intuition. And it’s almost like we’re turning on ourselves. So I just feel that coming into this new year where there’s a lot of uncertainty, there’s a lot of turbulence, obviously we’re not going to get into politics today. But you only have to look over there or turn on the news and we don’t really know what’s coming next. But it’s very easy for our ego to want to get caught up in that drama.
And I just, for me personally, I only take in the smallest pieces of what I need to know and then I go, “Lucy, get back to what are you out to create?” And this is the year to expand. This is the invitation for all you glorious souls listening is to say, “This year is going to go the way that I choose it to go. And I’m either going to subscribe to the dense low frequencies that are around right now or I’m going to remember that I am bigger than my body, I’m not just a mind and a brain. I am a full blown soul which is infinite.”
And when we stay in that reality of remembering how powerful we are, every time we honor ourselves we expand the frequency and we expand our aura. And we expand our ability to attract and to magnetize those things that also feel good because we’re doing our bit to keep ourselves in flow, in alignment, and staying true to our desires. And desires come from our heart, so essentially when we’re not following through on those desires, we’re slipping back up into our head and it’s like we turn off that tap of abundance.
Tobi: Absolutely, yeah. Let’s go there for just a minute, or stay there a little longer. So, so much of what you’re saying resonates with me and I have experience and awareness to a degree of knowing or at least believing. I have spent a lot of time over the years in my masculine, that forceful drive, pushing. And I do have a personality type that kind of lends itself to getting in that lane and easily staying there. But it takes a toll. It really does take a toll. And so that, when I started understanding that I can do that, but the results it creates for me longer term are more costly than the benefits.
And so some level of belief, like we talked about a little bit before we started, this grind and the hustle and that masculine energy and the we should, we should be working out, we should be eating a certain way, we should be doing a certain kind of coffee. We should be at the CrossFit at the gym, all of that when what my internal body has been saying for probably 10 years and sometimes I listen to it and sometimes I get stuck back in this other external narrative.
But my internal has been saying slow, yin, restorative, cozy, love, nurture, all of that kind of energy, which obviously would be the feminine energy. But I would say and I’m sure a lot of other people feel this way too, especially if you own a business, we’re constantly, if we’re listening to external cultural narratives, being pulled away from that and back onto this grind. And when you are successful enough to listen, even though you know it feels really good, I think that that little pattern or narrative that you’ve heard so much says, “But you’re being indulgent”, as if there’s something wrong with that.
You’re being lazy. You’re going to get fat. You’re going to not make any money, that’s not what success looks like. Success looks like 5:00am at the gym, it doesn’t look like two other cups of tea while you sit in your jammies and listen to what your heart really wants. And so how do you start to really not only listen to the feminine and what your heart wants and that intuition that you’re talking about, but have the confidence to step away from that other messaging, do you just turn it off? Do you go replace it? How do those things coexist or how do you reconcile them? I guess is what I’m trying to say.
Lucy: That’s a very powerful question. It’s really not dissimilar to meditation. People think they’ve got to get meditation right. The irony we’re trying to get here into that going to the beautiful littlest infinite consciousness and yet I’m not doing it right. You’re going to have self-talk and thoughts come up in meditating. That means you’re actually doing it right. But it’s just acknowledging that they’re there and then saying, “Alright, alright.”
And then just getting back into that beautiful delicious state, but notice that there’s no trying to beat those thoughts out or that you’re not doing it wrong for them coming up. So the first piece is listen, we all have over 30, 40 years of conditioning at the very least, and growing up in a certain paradigm. And what this actually goes back to is something a lot deeper than just grind energy. It goes back to a self-worth conversation. It goes back to the way that you felt you needed to show up in order to be loved.
So that little girl and that little boy within felt like she or he had to work really, really hard to be loved by mom or dad. And we’re not going to obviously go in, you know, there’s so many different scenarios. But the bottom line is it felt like love was really, really hard. And so there would be overcompensating energy, trying really hard energy, that work, work, work.
And so it’s set at such a young age and the way to actually dissolve that conditioning is first of all to acknowledge it. We’re not making mom or dad wrong here but just to acknowledge if I’m honest with myself, which parent was I trying to prove my worthiness to? Which parent did I feel that they didn’t get ne? I had to just keep working really, really, really hard.
And even though our parents love us it doesn’t mean they’re emotionally supporting us. So for me I have such a close relationship with my mom, couldn’t be closer. And I didn’t feel as a little girl that she understood my huge emotional life. So I was constantly overcompensating, and reaching, and all of this stuff. And then when I got that there’s this proving energy, when I had my huge wake-up call at 31 I was like, “Okay, this ends now. I’ve got to get out of this paradigm of working really, really hard to be loved, or working really, really hard to achieve anything.”
And so what this requires in a nutshell is a deepening with the connection with ourself, to fully accept and love the person that we are right now, for everything that we are and everything that went on. That’s where it starts if we have any intention of actually being sustainable with living a more heart-centered, pleasure filled life, where we’re in flow versus like you said, the grind, I have to, I should. And it starts with one word which is permission. I give myself permission to be enough. I’ve always been enough. And I’m always going to be enough, not from what I do but from must being me.
And if you can just literally say that to yourself every single day, because we all know, I know you’ve heard this before, that I am enough. But when you actually embody that and drink that like medicine into your cells and really embody that enough-ness, you’re just not going to have those knee jerk reactions of having or shoulding to do anything. Because you’re going to be sitting in this state of enough-ness and worthiness and then you’re going to be able to very quickly get to does this feel good for me, yes or no?
And then you start to cultivate that deeper connection with your soul and with your heart. And then when you let your heart be your sat nav, your internal GPS, the heart doesn’t hustle. The hart magnetizes and attracts. Our heart actually knows things are going to happen before they happen. The Power of the Heart, I recommend for everyone listening, if you haven’t seen it, it is a fantastic documentary.
And all I want to share just what’s relevant to this conversation is they hook people up to their heart. And they show these images, there’s some very, very graphic horrible images. And then they show some blissful images. Do you know that the heart was responding three seconds before the image was shown? Fascinating. So what if we got out of this 3D version of who we think we should be with all this inherent conditioning, all this proving, all this I need to be this person, to be accepted and went, “Wow, I’m actually way more advanced if I give over to my heart.”
That is the power and then in the same documentary when people who actually died gave their heart to someone there’s a piece of that person in that.
Lucy: It’s fascinating. So I just wanted to highlight so that this was, you know, you can feel the gravitas of this heart energy. When you start thinking of yourself as I am all heart, I am, what if I just tune into my heart and realize that that’s who I am. It’s going to have you make different choices, like you did with the Peloton, Tobi. That was a heart reaction. That was just you not over-thinking it, not rationalizing, going, “I don’t want to have that in my life.” But what if we can do that with the really big things too?
And give ourselves that permission to not have to explain or to not have to seek external validation. Because here’s the deal, I’ve had to learn this over and over again and I ended up dedicating a whole chapter in my book. Grind and hustle is the old paradigm. It’s part of the old matrix. And the reason you’re feeling the way that you do so strongly in 2021, which I’m sure many of you are also feeling as well. I know Tobi’s feeling this deeply, I’ve been feeling this deeply and so many people I know are feeling this transition.
Also speaking to the fact, Tobi, that your heart is pulling you out of the head out going, “I want to [crosstalk], I’m sick of you rejecting me and coming to me part-time. I want you to do what you did with the Peloton in all areas.”
Tobi: I love it, yes.
Lucy: Thinking about resting, and receiving, resting being a priority and allowing. And as you can probably feel just in this conversation, even like I’m slowing down to share this with you, to not get my point across. I can also be very like ra, ra, ra, and ram things. And I’m just in the frequency of the heart space right now where I’ll take a pause. I’ll gather my thought. But isn’t that more of a joy to listen to than if I was just beaming, beaming, beaming? So I think, like we all know when we’re in our feminine. And we also know when we’re in that really like high voltage energy.
Tobi: Yeah, totally, yes.
Lucy: And it’s very depleting and exhausting and it’s not sustainable. And I think that’s really the full circle of what you’re saying that you know how to wear both hats. And what I’m hearing from you Tobi is that like you’re done, you don’t want to keep living from that place of shoulds and masculine. It’s not actually who you are. Yes, you can do that, but that’s not where your soul’s wanting to be right now. So for those of you listening that are kind of shaking your heads, this is about us giving ourselves permission to actually lean into more of the potency of who we are.
And knowing that we’re not our bank account, we’re not our write-up in Forbes, we’re not our success or lack thereof. You’ve been through the rigor in 2021 and you’ve been stripped of your job and money. That does not make you any less worthy. And you don’t need to also hustle and grind if you really are going through it. This is about when you see, there are certain thought leaders that are doing really well, not just on Instagram but in their actual life with their relationships, they’re actually walking their talk.
And the common denominator is they are meditating, they are leading in their imagination. And operating out of this higher frequency that I’m talking about which is magnetic. And there’s no difference between us and billionaires right now other than our beliefs around that, whether we think it’s greedy or expansive. There are people like Richard Branson that’s like, “I’m just going to go and create some really cool stuff in the world.” And he’s not scared of money, and he’s doing great stuff with money.
So I think this conversation is really about how are we interacting with our desires? Because if we have a desire but then we suddenly have an opinion that we’re not deserving of it, then we’ll sabotage it, we’ll make ourselves really small.
Tobi: Yeah. And I think a lot of what you’re saying all resonating with me, definitely spending, you know, I’m prone to spending a whole lot of time in my head space, that’s where I would solve a lot of problems, or try to solve them. And it would solve them to a degree but when you solve something from that heart space or from the body space it’s a totally different kind of solution. I think because when you’re solving it from the head space and that proving energy, you create more of the same.
The solution is more proving which is not a long term sustainable solution; it’s kind of a temporary fix, right?
Lucy: It is probably, within it’s got a control element [crosstalk].
Tobi: For sure a control element, fear based, control, yes. And then I think back about 10 years ago because on my birthday later this month I’ll be 49, which sounds weird to say. I don’t have issues with age, I love every age and getting older. But it’s just funny how time flies in a lot of ways. And I remember being at 39 and at 39 I was very burned out, very much. I had been in just the thick of that proving energy. And I had created a lot of outward success but it was really hard on me. That was the first time I kind of said, “I’m done”, to a degree.
And I really pulled back from a lot of that energy and what I did was for about six or nine months, I literally did nothing other than the basic work I had to do to keep things going. But I pulled back from a lot of things, I wasn’t driving through a bunch of new projects, or goals, or ideas. And I think I did yoga five times – yin yoga, the kind where it’s really long eight minute stretches, meditative, very much in my body, lots of mindfulness. I probably did it four times a week. I’ve never felt better.
I was like, “I’m not going to the gym. I’m not going for a run. I’m not doing any – I don’t want anything aggressive, I don’t want anything to even feel like that energy.” And so I just nurtured myself. And even with the food that I was eating, and everything, nurturing, and it’s funny because it wasn’t nurturing like just eat anything I want, like chocolate cake. That wasn’t really nurturing to me. It was like what feels like it would just almost coat my insides in love? And some days that was green juice. And some days that was something else that I prepared, whatever.
But it was a completely different space. And I remember thinking at the time, I’ll never leave this space, I’ll never go back to the other. But I did, I did because I got all these opportunities. I got four national product lines with my business. I was getting published everywhere and the ego starts getting stroked. And before you know it, not totally, didn’t abandon everything I had learned, I was still doing a lot more self-care, I was doing massage regularly and other things. But I did abandon a lot of the things I was learning and had to learn it all over again.
And so here I sit 10 years later in a lot of ways different, but in a lot of ways very much in the same kind of feeling. But I don’t feel regret or sadness, I just find it interesting. I’m fascinated by it right now. And I’m like, okay, this has come up for you again, what are you going to do from here? What are you going to do so that when you’re 59 instead of 49, you’re not saying, “Here we are again”, again? And so it’s just been really top of mind lately. And so anything right now that feels like forcing, I don’t want to do.
Even things I’m committed to doing that I’ve enjoyed doing in the past like going to the gym and working out some hard work out right now, my body’s like, no, that’s not what you need. But it does feel very – I don’t know – it feels a little in conflict. I hear my heart and I’m more on the heart side and I’m listening but more than I want to admit I’m also hearing that narrative, but. But if you don’t do that, are you going to regret it? What’s going to happen?
And so it’s fascinating, that that whole 10 years happened and we could look at all the outward success. Some things changed but in a lot of ways things did not change as much as I would have liked to believe. And so now I’m so aware of that, I don’t want to just ignore it again for the next 10 years.
Lucy: Well, it comes down to how you define success because I had a really big year in 2020 with so many friends commenting on the amazing year that I had and it was. I’m a first time mom and books coming out and a business and Forbes and all these things, Tobi, that represent success. But has actually been the most burnt out that I’ve been for a long time and I’m not sitting here going, “Wow, that was a successful year”, even though technically of course I’m celebrating those things. But I’m like, “This is not how 2021’s going to go.”
Tobi: Right. It’s too costly. The outward success sometimes is too costly internally. And so it’s not that you can’t do a version of, and I think that’s again what I’m coming back to. It’s not all or nothing for sure. But I think there’s definitely a way, and you said it before we started, I think maybe, and I’d love for you to speak to this. I think the difference is achieving from a place of abundance versus achieving from a place of scarcity. So even kind of in the description you’re saying would that be achieving from a place of the divine feminine as opposed to achieving from masculine. Is that the difference?
Lucy: Yes, beautiful, you get two very different outcomes. So for me this year my word is joy. I actually have two more, passion and rest. They’re my three words. And with every decision that I make I’m going to be checking in, is this business venture or collaboration, is this going to bring me joy? Or is my heart saying, “I know this person’s amazing but no.” And don’t do it, because my definition of success is how do I truly feel? Am I feeling happy? Because if I’m feeling happy and in flow and aligned, then my whole world feels really expansive.
But if I’m suddenly feeling like I’m grinding and I’m just not having time for myself, and it’s one day leading into the next, that is not success for me. I don’t care if I’m speaking with the Delai Lama, and he’s part of my schedule. If I blew that energy there’s nothing in that energy of success for me. Success, I’ll know my version of success is when I am just feeling so turned on by life, turned on with my own self, making sure that I’m experiencing pleasure, that orgasmic part of ourselves.
Orgasms aren’t just something that we have when we fit it in on a special occasion, that’s the feminine is we have such an extraordinary pleasure center. And so it’s not just something that we experience with another person, it’s about us creating that really healthy relationship with that inner goddess and that sacred part of ourselves to say, “How often am I actually prioritizing pleasure? Is it something that I’m just getting done?” Or is it something that I’m making space for, to maybe light some candles and make it a beautiful experience, whether it’s with someone or on your own.
What I loved when you talked about you wanting to really nourish yourself and take care of yourself with the yin and the food and everything. Your whole energy changed. It reminds me, and very, very magnetic when you’re in that energy because that’s actually your truth of who you really are. And that came across even in your sharing. And what I always say to my clients is, “Let’s keep it simple here.” Self-development and living our best lives, it’s a lot simpler than we make it.
And the analogy that I like to use is – and just reminding me what you said is what if we were to treat ourselves like a newborn baby? Now, you don’t have to have had a baby to understand that but you would protect it. You would have strong boundaries. You wouldn’t let anyone come over and sneeze on a baby. You would give it the most nourishing food. You’d make sure it’s getting its rest. You’d love on it when it’s upset and yelling, unconditionally.
Tobi: Totally, but all that good smelling baby lotion, that smell. And you just smell babies and you rub their feet and their little ears. And you just are so attuned to loving.
Lucy: And crave it.
Tobi: Yes, I go right there. My daughter’s 15 but I can instantly go to that feeling and know what that feels like, yeah.
Lucy: And you still have a little bit of unconditional love and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for her. But it’s amazing how quickly we can slip out of that relationship and we can completely lose sight of that sacred connection to ourselves because we can slip back into I’ve got these deadlines. I’ve got to get this done. I’ll just override the fact that I’m tired and I’m just going to pull an all-nighter. No, you would never say that to a newborn. You go, “Darling, I know you’ve already slept twice today, but you seem really tired right now, let’s get you to rest.”
Imagine if we did that for ourselves to say, “I’m going to move these meetings actually for the afternoon, I’m going to put them to tomorrow because even though I slept in this morning I need more rest.” Imagine how potent those meetings are going to be because you’re going to put yourself back into alignment.
Tobi: Absolutely, that in a nutshell is what I’m feeling this year, that. Where the story of well, you already made the appointment and that would look irresponsible or flaky if you cancelled, I don’t care a thing about any of that. I don’t care if I look flaky, I’m in the place where I’m not going to that meeting today, cancel everything on my schedule. I am doing whatever feels right. And it feels glorious but there’s just a little twinge of the guilt or whatever. I know I can move beyond it, I’m just aware of it. But it’s fascinating to watch that come up and even see why.
And one of the things that keeps coming up in just like I said earlier in some coaching I’ve been getting and a couple of books I’ve read, and some awareness about my own schedule is I seek very clearly now. And I had never noticed it in these terms that I have gotten really, really good at postponing pleasure. I postpone pleasure all the time. I’m like, “Well, I’d really like to stop and go out on a date with my husband tonight. But I’ll just work a little longer because then I’ll be glad that’s done.”
Or like you said, I’d really love to take a nap today but I’ve already got these three appointments, so I’ll postpone that and I’ll just stay here with the thing I committed to. And when you look deep at that what I noticed about a lot of my days and other things, I’m postponing pleasure all the time. And then what happens when we postpone pleasure, we’ve got to get it some way. And if we’re postponing true pleasure I think we start filling our cup with false pleasures.
And a lot of times for us false pleasures look like food, or alcohol, or shopping, or Faceook, or too much consuming, or gossiping, or something else that feels in theory like it should be pleasure. But when you’re done with it you don’t feel good. You trick yourself into – sometimes even I use work as if it’s pleasure and sure, I enjoy my work. But now all of a sudden I’m being so honest with myself to go, “Stop calling that pleasure.” It’s just a habit that you use to buffer the fact that you’re not stopping and really doing something for pleasure.
And I can look back now and see for years I’ve been doing that. And I kind of didn’t even notice really in those terms until right now.
Lucy: It all comes back to a lack of self-worth and I can relate to this, is that when we pride ourselves on what we do it’s very uncomfortable to take time out to just be. That doesn’t seem like that’s worth anything, and that seems lazy. That seems like we’re not accomplishing anything. So what it is, but it’s also literally you saying to the universe, “I’ll just put myself last again. I’ll just put this thing that I need to get done at the top of, you know, be the top priority and I’ll put myself last.”
That’s essentially every time we put something ahead of our full body, yes, and we go and override that with what we should be doing. As I said earlier on the call we’re then actually dissolving the potency of that soul mate relationship with ourselves, our yes is our yes and our no is our no. And it’s interesting because you were like, “Yeah, people pleasing isn’t really like a thing of mine.” But if you’re going to keep appointments, this is to everyone, myself included is that’s being like wanting to look good and not wanting to not let people down. But it’s got the martyrdom of energy because it’s not authentic.
Being authentic is I know we had this meeting scheduled, or this brunch scheduled, but do you know what, I’m actually not feeling great right now and I want to show up for you fully. So I’m going to cancel that, apologies for the last minute notice but I just want to be on my best self for you and first of all I’ve got to be myself for me.
Tobi: It’s so good, yeah, so good. And noticing what we call people pleasing, like you said, because I wouldn’t necessarily call it people pleasing but in a sense it is. I would call it some version of being responsible or something. But at the end of the day even that being responsible, like you said, goes back to some proving or people pleasing from my childhood of my parents were like, “Don’t be flaky, be responsible. Never be lazy.”
And those internalized messages really are still some – I mean practicing them today in the moment may not be people pleasing, and the people I had an appointment with. But at some level it’s probably still people pleasing my parents from 40 years ago, right?
Lucy: That’s the point, it’s not necessarily that person, it’s literally trying to please mom or please dad because this conditioning goes back so deeply. And so it’s just again, when you said, “How do these two interact? And I should but then my heart’s saying this thing.” It’s just to acknowledge hang on a minute, let me just take a beat, let me just pause to see where this is coming from right now. Is it coming from abundance or is it coming from should and lack?” And then once you go, “Okay, actually it’s coming from I have to.”
Okay, but that’s not my highest value right now, it’s not what I’m into in 2021. So what would it look like if actually I did something really out of my comfort zone and I was really bold, and really courageous and I didn’t do that thing that I would normally on autopilot do? And that requires vulnerability because it’s saying to someone, “I know we said this, but I was letting you in on my world right now. I’m not feeling great. Actually I’m feeling a little bit flat. And I just want to be real with you because you deserve that and I deserve that.”
And then it creates a deeper connection because as humans we just want to connect with what’s real. We want to feel truth. And that’s what I discovered in 2020 was a lot was coming up for me. A lot of up-levels, but also a lot of, “Hey, Lucy, don’t turn a blind eye to that, really be with the situation, don’t sugarcoat it, don’t let them off the hook, don’t enable something because it’s always in the past been something that was good.” Look at the truth. Does this make you feel good?
And is this person showing up for you in the way that feels really good or is it out of alignment now? And stay true to that.
Tobi: Yeah. And knowing that something that felt good last year may not feel good this year, or something that felt good last week may not feel good this year, I mean this week and it’s okay, yeah.
Lucy: Yes. And that’s living moment to moment. And that to me is what true success is, is am I present? How often during a week am I present? How often am I following through from the whispers of my heart and actually letting those govern? And the more that we just every day choose ourself again, choose our truth again, check-in, does this feel good for me? If we’re doing that as a daily practice and many times a day, you’re going to have a very different year. You’re going to have a very different life.
The next 10 years when you’re turning 59, when I’m turning 52, I’m going to look back and remember this conversation and say, “I’m so glad we locked that in.” Because it’s really, you’ve got to simplify to amplify.
Tobi: I love that so much, so much. And just as we wrap up, just circling back to something you said that I loved the way you said it. The way you described that why am I doing this, is it scarcity or lack? I see, it’s from a have to, I have to or I should. And then you said, “That’s not my value system right now, that’s not what I’m valuing right now.” I think that in a nutshell is so helpful and it’s such a beautiful description for us to go back and just notice.
Even as we pick our words of the year which I love to do, I think what you really helped me see there was like what am I valuing right now? Because what I’m valuing now is not forcing, it’s not driving, it’s not all of that hardcore kind of energy. It is truly the nurturing, the loving, the softening, the being present, the pleasure. And that’s a real foreign space for me obviously, if I’ve been postponing pleasure for years.
So this is going to be really fun to hang out in this space for a while, maybe for this whole year, maybe for the rest of my life and really learn what it feels like to lean into pleasure, really exciting.
Lucy: I’m laughing because I can just imagine you being out of your comfort zone saying, “Look, I know we had this meeting, but I actually need to go and have an orgasm with myself. I know it’s 3 o’clock in the day, and that is my highest value right now.” And that person’s going to go, “I’m going to do the same.” They’re going to learn from you and go – I’m literally going to take that through the year and go, “I just heard the most remarkable person telling me why they couldn’t do the meeting.” Imagine.
Tobi: So good, I swear, my husband is going to be like, “Damn, girl.” Even if I’m not involved in some of those moments, “Damn girl, you went from the tight ass to a total goddess and what happened?” And it’s so true and it’s just deciding, it’s just making that decision of what you value. That is so funny.
Lucy: And laughing, look at the laughing. I look at my daughter who’s just everything’s amazing, she’s 13 months. And I keep saying to my husband, “I am taking notes. I am learning from her.” Because she’s just constantly throwing her head back, I do a serious live in my group and then she’s laughing about something very serious. And I start laughing and that’s joy. And so just how often are we laughing at ourselves, with ourselves? Because you know when you slip into that masculine, things get serious, things get rigid, things get contracted.
And our whole body actually it does, it contracts. And that’s where we hold tension in our neck, in our body. And that’s where disease and everything comes from. So, there’s actually huge cost to not prioritizing pleasure, and prioritizing, and honoring, and respecting the power of the heart that we’ve been given.
Tobi: Yeah, the rest, the pleasure, the present, the relaxation, all of that, a little laughter. I agree and I’ve had so much laughter with my daughter in the last however many months we’ve been in this pandemic, so much. We laugh a lot anyway and she’s happy a lot. But we just laugh all the time and my mom even noticed it recently and she said, “I need to be with you all more or something.” She’s like, “I’m not laughing enough.” But it is, it’s just like, it’s soul food. It’s so…
Lucy: Medicine, it’s medicine.
Tobi: It is, it is medicine, so good. Well, I knew this would be wonderful. And thank you so much for being present with me as we talk. I mean I think this is what’s so helpful to people. We’re not just coming on giving a prescription of do these seven steps in your life. We are talking about real things, real moments, real emotions, what we went through so people can see and relate and go, “Oh my gosh, I’m not the only one not wanting to go into that kind of energy this year.” And it gives other people permission I think to do the same. So thank you so much for that.
Lucy: Thank you. It’s so confronting, isn’t it? It’s so confronting, and we can really get in down and dirty with our humanity and be real, and be vulnerable, and just knowing you’re not alone is like medicine too. It’s like okay, cool, other people have had things coming up for them as well, it is, it’s really…
Tobi: Yeah, absolutely. So tell everybody where they can find you because I think they may want to hear more from you. You have a new book that’s coming out. You have all kinds of things that they’re going to want to know about so let everybody know how to find you.
Lucy: Thank you, Tobi. Yeah, so if you want to get my book that’s coming out, it came up a few times on this call. We both have said at one point, I’m Done is the name of my book. And it’s really going to help you get into a soul mate relationship with yourself, so much of what we talked about, really harnessing your divine feminine and really making this the year that you show up for yourself in your truth.
So you can go to www.soultosoulglobal and that’s t.o. soultosoulglobal.com/book if you want to preorder the book. And just check out, a free masterclass and all sorts of things on my website there. So I’m really, really delighted and ignited from having this beautiful heartwarming conversation with you Tobi. I know it won’t be the last. I look forward to the next one.
Tobi: Absolutely. I know. I’m like, I just need to check in every once a quarter, we need to come back and do a pleasure check once a quarter and see how much pleasure. I’m going to be like, “So I’ve not had a meeting all year yet, but lots of orgasms.”
Lucy: [Inaudible] again. I love it.
Tobi: So good. Well, thank you so much, so fun, such a refreshing way to look at the year. I think it’s so honest but so full of joy and hope and yeah, just such a gift, so thank you.
Lucy: Thank you.
Well, was I right? You’re like, “Tobi, if you get any more open and vulnerable, I mean gosh we’re going to know everything about you.” This conversation, I mean honestly, I have laughed about it for, yeah, a couple of hours now, that we stopped our interview. And I think it’s going to be on my mind for a few days and I hope it’s on your mind too. So I hope that we inspired you to put more pleasure in your life, to say yes to the things that serve you, to say no to the things that don’t serve you.
And to really be willing and open to using this year to hopefully creating the most real and authentic version of you yet, your soul mate, you as your soul mate. You’ve got the details, you know how to get to work and let me know how it goes. I can’t wait to hear from you. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this episode. And reach out to me or Lucy on Instagram because we’re out there and we would love to hear from you.
That’s it for today. I’ll see you back here next week with another great, but maybe not quite as personal episode, I don’t know, never say never, every time I say that the next week is even more personal, but maybe not quite next week. So we’ll see, show up, it’ll be a surprise, but I’ll see you right back here same place next week. Bye for now.
Thank you so much for listening to the Design You podcast, and if you are ready to dig deep and do the important work we talk about here on the podcast of transforming your mindset and creating a scalable online business model, there has never been a more important time than right now. So join me and the incredible creative entrepreneurs in my Design You coaching program today. You can get all the details at TobiFairley.com.