You are listening to the Design You podcast with Tobi Fairley, episode number 185.
Welcome to the Design You podcast. A show where interior designers and creatives learn to say no to busy and say yes to more health, wealth and joy, here’s your host, Tobi Fairley.
Hello my friends. How are you? I’m so happy you’re here. I’m so happy I had this podcast recording today. It was really a shift for me, which I can’t wait for you to hear. And I know I promised I was going to be doing a lot more solo shows and they are coming, I promise. But most of them may now end up showing up in the new year because I forgot how much work it is to do a solo show, and to write the script, and to really get my point of view together.
So, I’m working on building up a stash of those. And in the meantime, I’m going to keep bringing you a few more interviews with some amazing humans, mostly amazing women. And today’s episode is no different. This episode is with an amazing woman named Kara Gaisie. And Kara and I kind of know a little bit about each other. We’re both graduates of The Life Coach school and life coaching. I see her a lot because she coaches for The Life Coach School also. So, I see her in my newsletters and these email blasts.
And sometimes I show up and watch her calls. She’s really amazing. But she is a certified money coach and a certified public accountant as she’ll talk about when she introduces herself. And she really helps coaches, especially even new coaches start their business on the side and really make it a full-time gig. So, she’s amazing and she really breaks through people’s money thoughts and all sorts of things. Today she and I are specifically talking about how to really finally admit what you want and then get out of your own way to make that happen.
So, I think you’ll love this episode. I especially loved it. As I told her in the episode, I feel like she took me to church. There was some stuff I needed to hear today, that I needed to learn and be reminded of today. And she brought all of that. So, enjoy this conversation with Kara Gaisie.
Tobi: Hey Kara, welcome to the Design You podcast. I’m really excited about our conversation today.
Kara: I am so happy to be here, Tobi. Thank you so much for inviting me and having me as a guest today.
Tobi: It’s so fun. Okay, so we have grand plans for what we’re going to accomplish or talk about in this episode. But before we do that why don’t you tell everybody a little bit about you and what you do.
Kara: Absolutely. So as Tobi said, I’m Kara Gaisie. I am a master certified coach. And I coach on business. I coach on money. In a previous life prior to coaching full-time I was a certified public accountant. I worked for Ernst & Young, for those, anybody who’s a public accountant out there knows who that firm is. And I love helping part-time coaches, life coaches create consistent income in their businesses so they can leave their jobs without sacrificing their lifestyle. That’s what I spend most of my days doing.
Tobi: That’s so exciting. So, by the way just a little tidbit, I have an accounting degree. But I never worked in public accounting. But I do have an accounting degree and an MBA, and an interior design degree, and a life coaching certification. I collect all kinds of things.
Kara: I love it.
Tobi: But my very first degree was accounting. So, I knew quickly I did not want to work in public accounting. So, I have mad admiration for people like you that did because that is not for the faint of heart for sure.
Kara: You got out early before I did.
Tobi: I dodged that bullet. Okay, so today we’re going to talk about – it’s kind of all the same thing but it fits into kind of a couple of categories. It’s really like what do I really want in my life. And we’re going to get into some details. I might even share an example of something I want because I think – we kind of think of this more micro and macro level. What you want in the big scheme of things but maybe also a specific thing you want that you’re not admitting or getting in your own way about.
And then we’re also going to talk about what to do to show up when we don’t feel like it all in the pursuit of that thing, we say we want and what that means. Does that mean we don’t really want it? Yes, we want it but is it resistant? Let’s get into that. I’ve probably spoken about this at some level before on some podcasts. But I love that we’re just talking specifically about this because I think it’s something so many people struggle with. They’re like, “I do really want all these things. Why am I consistently not creating them in my life?”
Kara: Absolutely. Absolutely. I love that you open it up that way. And for me the biggest thing I think in my personal journey that I wanted was to know what I wanted to do with my time, with my career. And I just searched, and searched, and searched. I actually did a clothing business. I did a clothing business. I did calligraphy. I was one of the people who was really good at accounting back in college. But I knew in my soul that that wasn’t what I was meant to do, it felt that way.
So, I did allow myself to want to live in my purpose. And I always had a deep belief that at some point I would find that thing that I thought that was for me. And I did but, on the flipside, there are things that I want that are kind of luxurious like a nice car. And I can’t even tell you the name of the car because I don’t allow myself to go there and actually want it. Because I have so much noise in my head about what other people think about what I want and about what I actually believe I can have.
So, I think just the skill of allowing ourselves to want even though we don’t have to manifest it but just want it is a skill in and of itself that can radically change what we actually manifest in our lives.
Tobi: I love this conversation so much. And I haven’t really heard it put in that way. And in particular wanting a skill, which is so interesting. And I hear you exactly. There are definitely things, no matter how long we’ve been in business, how much money we have, what age we are, it seems like there’s always that list of things that feel they’re out of reach or we won’t quite give ourselves permission for that to be ours. Or at some level it’s out there in the future but it’s definitely not now.
And maybe we even feel if we let ourselves want it and don’t end up getting it, manifesting it, creating it, that we will be disappointed. So, it’s almost like a self-preservation or like a safety mechanism, right?
Kara: I absolutely agree with you. And the thing about it and the skill that I’m developing is enjoying it even though I don’t have it.
Tobi: Talk about that. How do you enjoy something that you don’t have yet? I love this. Yeah.
Kara: Yeah. So, I remember. I do have a Mercedes SUV now. And I remember thinking about it when I first saw it. It’s a GLC300 and when I first saw someone with and I was like, “That’s the car I want.” And so, every time I saw it drive by me, I just enjoyed imagining and visualizing myself inside the car. And just I felt this warm energy, this warm feeling inside of myself. And just thinking that’s going to be mine one day. And sure, enough within a year I had ordered that car for myself. So, it was just, like there was no resistance there to how am I going to figure how to have it?
It was just I can see myself in that car and it’s an expression of me. It was an expression of my family could look at me and say, “That’s a car that Kara would drive.” So that’s what I love about money is that it really allows us to express ourselves in a way where it’s something that someone else has created, it’s really in tune with our style.
Tobi: I love it so much because we often put so much baggage on money. We’re afraid of money. And I’m kind of like what you’re saying. I prefer to just think of money as a resource or a tool, just the bartering system it is. It’s not all that negative stuff that we put on money’s shoulders. And I love how you’re just like, yeah, I mean it’s just a resource. I’m going to use it to get access to that thing, or that person, or that tool, or that coach. For me, we’re going to talk about in a minute, personal chef. It’s just a skill, right?
Kara: It absolutely is. It’s an exchange. I like to think of like energy. It’s just a transfer of value. If I value something and you have created it, and I value it at the price you’re offering it, I’m happy to exchange that. I think about the clothes that I wear. I think about the car I drive, the home I live in. I’m so happy for the creators that created that. And I’m so happy to give them money in exchange for that because I don’t have to do the work of creating it myself. It’s not my zone of genius.
Tobi: Yeah, I love that, so good. And being happy, so many people aren’t happy. They may want the thing but they’re not happy about the exchange, which is such a huge shift. They feel either guilt, or remorse, or fear, what if I need that? There’s all these other negative feelings, definitely not happy that come for a lot of people either before, during or after, spending, using money. I’ll not even say spending, using money for that exchange.
Kara: Yes. I totally understand that and can empathize with it because before doing a lot of work on myself around money I was scarce about it. I was thinking if I use it for this purpose then I’m not going to have it for this purpose, other purpose. And doing a lot of mental gymnastics about where this money should go. And I think that was coming from scarcity, a lack that I could create it. But once I understand how to create money and allow myself to do that it really freed up the energy to be like, okay, I’ll just create more, and I can spend it this way.
And that actually investing it in myself is going to help me be more of who I want to be and create more money. It’s an investment in me to be able to create more because I feel I’m expressing myself more through the purchases I make.
Tobi: Right, yeah. Not that you wouldn’t be fully yourself without these material things but because you’re allowing yourself to just be free about what you want and what you choose. That makes you become kind of more authentically.
Kara: Absolutely.
Tobi: Yeah. It’s a freedom in the way you show up. I love that. So, let’s talk about what was the shift? So other people who want to start to do this in their own life, what allowed you to go from I literally won’t even name a car? I enjoyed naming it for nine months and now I’m actually driving it, what was the shift in your thinking? Because coming from life coaching like we both do, you know it’s totally our thoughts that are getting in the way, thoughts and feelings. So, what was that shift?
Kara: I think I decided, some people, they have to work on believing, they believe and believe, and they almost do affirmations. I’m more of a person who has paradigm shifts. I hear it once sometimes and it’s like, okay, I get it now. This was that for me and money is that. It’s just value. And I’ve created value in a job, an employer hired me for a particular set of responsibilities. And I said, “Okay, that’s the price I’m valuing that at.” And I was like, “Okay, then I just need to find out what people want and give them that.”
So, I’m pretty good at listening to what people want and creating value and deciding, do I want to give them that. And I think that kind of set me free and that I’ll always be able to create money because I can always add value by helping people have more of what they want.
Tobi: I love that so much because I’m similar in that I have paradigm shifts like you do. And I can just make a decision pretty quickly once I understand it. But what I love about what you just said is I think it’s a simpler way to describe what sometimes gets sort of clunky and complicated for us. I love that you said, “I just have to see what people want, people I encounter, people in my life, people I know, people I’m going to meet. I just have to hear what they want and decide if I want to give it to them.”
And it might be that you don’t want to because you don’t know how to. It might be because you don’t have that particular skill. But a lot of times it’s not even that, it’s just that we’re not really willing to pay that much attention and get creative with the things, and tools, and intelligence, and all the stuff we already do have to meet other people’s needs. So, we stay in this stuck place, right?
Kara: Absolutely. And I think a lot of times we don’t even know what we want. When we develop the skillset of saying, “What flowers do I love? What care do I love? What home do I love? What foods do I love?” We know what we like, and we start investing in what we like which I think has helped me understand how to give others what they want. The more I know myself the more I can say, “Okay, well, what does that person want? Because I know what I want, and I know how I think about what I want.”
Tobi: Yeah. I love the way you take something that – a lot of things already. I’ve already had kind of a few aha moments in this conversation so far about just the way you describe things. I think it’s so easy to digest. And I think you’re absolutely right. In theory or at the surface you could even look at what you just said and be like, “That’s just the material stuff. That’s just superficial”, or whatever. But I don’t think it’s just about cars, and flowers, and houses, but all of which I do love by the way.
But I think it’s like this what you’re saying really resonated with me. It’s this deeper level of knowing yourself. But also, the courage to make a choice, to have a point of view, to put a stake in the ground of this is the flower that I love the most. Instead of having the mindset of well, I kind of like all flowers and I’d hate to say I just like peonies because what if somebody wanted to buy me? That’s just kind of what we do. We’re like, “I hate to say I only work with this customer because what if this person wants to come along?”
And so, I think we do this thing where we sort of know what we want. But at the end of the day, we’re sort of afraid of pigeonholing or picking one because it’s like we’re losing all the rest of them. And I love the way you said it of just really knowing and making those decisions about what you want and like in all these categories. It’s a whole other level of being able to show up and help other people do the same. And then, yeah, not only do you help them figure out what they want because they don’t know.
Then you can be like, “Okay, cool, of that list I can help you with number two, and number four, and number eight”, or whatever. And you can start to align with where you could be of value to them, right?
Kara: Absolutely. And I love what you said about being in other people’s minds and what they’re thinking. A lot of times we don’t go inside because we’re so focused on what others are thinking about us. So, I think doing that work of self-love and the self-concept work of what do I love? What do I want? And we don’t have to tell anyone. We can just want and keep it to ourselves. But I think there is a lot of focus. It certainly was for me around people pleasing and having thoughts about what other people would think about what I wanted. Yes, I love that you said there.
Tobi: Well, and there’s some level of confidence and also joy for me. And some of this I’ve noticed not that long ago. And I mean I’ll be 50 in just a few months. But I’ve noticed, even things like finally kind of deciding what my favorite cocktail is so that I can just go, and I don’t have to be looking at all the menu and reading all these things. And being like, “I don’t know and let me think it. Come back to me.” I can just go every time and be like, “I want a Moscow Mule.” Because I know that’s my cocktail.
And there’s something that’s so empowering and freeing just about deciding and knowing. And of course, if I want to try something different sometimes I can. But it sounds silly with some of these things, but I think just what I’m getting from what you’re saying, I love it, is the more we are willing to tell ourselves what we want then more chances obviously that we can figure out then how to get them.
Kara: Absolutely, yes. And when we are making decisions on what we want based on what someone else thinks, a lot of times we’re not even being the truest version of ourselves. That’s authenticity as you said before. It’s like they don’t even see who are. And the other thing I’ll mention around this is that it simplifies my life which is kind of what you’re saying. I’ll go and get a Moscow Mule, that’s what I want. And it’s like now all the brain chatter about what do I do? Do I get this? Do I get that? It’s all taken care of.
Tobi: Yeah. And I can keep that in my house, and I can have them at my party. You already know. I was thinking too of what you were saying about caring what other people think. If I had said, for example, my favorite drink is, I don’t know, something that maybe we would think people think is cheesy, like a piña colada and or a Shirley Temple simple or whatever.
And a lot of times we would be embarrassed to tell everybody because we’d be like, “Well, I secretly love a frozen piña colada but everybody’s going to judge me for that.” And they’re going to think it’s not sophisticated, or silly, or fattening, or whatever list of things they put behind it. So, I’m just going to pick something else that’s more palatable to everybody else or that seems cool right now even though it’s not what I really want. And I think we do this all the time.
Kara: All the time. And what is so sexy and attractive to me is when people have silly likes, and they own it. I’m like, “That’s so silly but they love it. And I love that they love it.” So, I just love the energy of whatever someone chooses, that they own it. And the more unique it is to them I love even more.
Tobi: This is lighting me up. I’m grinning from ear to ear just thinking about the pleasure in allowing yourself to actually want what you really like. That’s a whole other level of joy and fulfilment. And it could be in the simplest things, like we’re literally talking about a cocktail.
Kara: Right. And I think it’s so freeing and so abundant when you can do that because it’s not from this place of proving something to someone or scarcity. And you’re not wanting from this place of not believing or trying to prove. That energy is more of just love for yourself and love for the creation of things. It’s just really open and abundant to me.
Tobi: I love it so much. And it actually in a lot of ways does take things like courage sometimes to show up and be willing to tell other people what you like or what you want. Because you know there’s all kinds of opinions that everybody’s going to always have about you, yeah.
Kara: Absolutely. And I think loving people for their opinions. So, when someone offers it and it’s not something that you would want them to say is not making that about you. But just understanding that that’s their experience. And being okay with them having their experience, whether that feels good or bad to them. It’s okay, that’s their experience. They’re entitled to that.
Tobi: Totally. And you could have fun. I think of times when I’ve wanted something that everybody else thought was silly, or gross, or weird and I kind of get joy out of still choosing it. And also, still knowing that they’re secretly making fun. If you do it with kind of humor and don’t take it too seriously, it’s even kind of a fun way to connect. My daughter and I do this with my husband all the time. Some of the foods he eats and we’re just like, “Oh my God, that’s disgusting.” And he just eats it with a smile while he’s grinning at us. And he’s like, “You’re all missing out, this is so amazing.”
Kara: And that’s what makes it so memorable for us. And just reminiscing on childhood. What I remember about my parents and about my friends are those quirky things. It’s not those common things that everybody did together just because it was the way to do things. It’s some of those things, the way that my mom would make a certain meal, that other people wouldn’t make it. It’s those things that are so fun because they are unique to her. And I love it about her so yeah.
Tobi: Yes, this is so fun. You’re giving me so much. I can’t wait to go journal after this podcast and see where all I’m holding myself back. Because we do it all the time, even if you’re into a lot of mind management like we are, in personal development, you still. It’s something you sort of keep having to look for, and excavate, and get rid of, these boundaries we keep putting on ourselves, right, over and over again?
Kara: Absolutely. Yes, absolutely, a journey of self-love. That’s what I like to think of it as is even when someone can’t love me for it or like that about me. I can find a reason to love myself even in the midst of that. And I think that’s the hardest bark that we can do.
Tobi: Yeah. There’s so much coming up for me and on both sides of even really deep topics, so we won’t go into here. But even just thinking of how we’re divided about politics or other things. How you can also still put your stake in the ground and also let other people do that too. It’s all the same stuff.
Kara: Yeah, absolutely, yes.
Tobi: Yeah. My brain’s blowing up over here. Okay, so I want to go two places with that. I guess maybe let’s start with your thoughts on, so we’ve decided what we want but there’s a money issue in the way. And I’ll use my example I kind of started telling you about before we started. And then after that I want to go to the place of why we don’t show up for ourselves. But first let’s start here.
So, I was sharing with you when we were just chitchatting before started recording that I just today noticed that I was wanting a certain solution. And the reason that I didn’t believe I could have access to it was all about money, totally. I pretended at first it was well, I don’t know where to find that, or I live in a small state in Arkansas and we don’t have that here, which of course.
And then my brain’s like, well, but if you just had money or unlimited money, and it doesn’t even have to be unlimited, but if you had some amount of money that you’re believing you don’t have right now then you could get what you want. And so, to be a little more specific, I was working on an issue with food like everybody. Not to get into that. But I have a few hormonal and autoimmune kind of responses to food. And so, I keep struggling with them because after a busy day I don’t want to cook, or we can’t find the right groceries here.
And my husband and daughter don’t really eat vegetables and all these stories. And then I was like, okay, I just want a personal private chef. And I don’t want them to come one day a week. I want them to come probably five days a week, maybe four because I also do like to cook sometimes, but three or four. And I want them to cook fresh meals. And I want to kind of feel like I imagine Oprah feels when her chef is cooking healthy food for her, that I’m sure happens or at least in my mind it does.
And then I want to also work with a coach all the time on top of my regular coach about my mindset and resistance to eating in a way that serves my body. And so, I was like, “I want both of these things.” And I know they’re going to cost – I don’t know – a lot, my term was just a lot of money in my head. These were all my thoughts. And so, I was like, “Well.” I was just mad. Well, I just need. I just need either – I don’t know – if it’s $30,000 or $100,000 a year but I need this money. And without it I’ll just never be free of this stuff.
And so, it was so interesting to watch myself have this little tantrum with my mom. And then I got, all of a sudden, I started thinking, well, why are you even acting like that’s that big of a problem? And why are you not just saying how much money is it actually, the actual amount? And why are you not saying, “Are you for sure you can’t have this now? Are you for sure it’s not something that could be paid for by the company, or you could share with your best friend?”
There’s so many ways that you could think about this, but I saw myself just deciding it was still not an option. It may be out there in the future like we said. And then I probably also attached a lot of other beliefs about the kind of people that have a private chef. Or it would be embarrassing or elitist. There was all this stuff that came up, tons of stuff in the way. So, talk to me about, what do you hear and see when I’m saying that? Because I know this happens all the time especially with regard to money, right?
Kara: Yeah, I just think it’s fascinating. What I was thinking as you were saying that is just to watch your thoughts and your brain just kind of shut it down. It kind of just kind of shut it down. It was like you got frustrated before you even knew the specifics of it would be 10,000 for a coach, or 20,000, or 5,000, whatever it is. And then for the chef it would be another 5,000. You didn’t even know it and then you kind of like your brain went to this place of spinning and being frustrated about it.
Tobi: Yeah, and making up a lot of stories, all kinds of stories about it.
Kara: Yes. And I think that’s perfectly normal. I think everyone can agree that that’s where we go. And I think just to notice it, which you did a perfect job of doing this just like, I see that happening. And let me figure out some numbers to know that what I’m thinking I should be thinking, right?
Tobi: Right, yeah. First of all, how much even is it? And second of all, just because you don’t have it this afternoon doesn’t mean you might not have it by November especially if you go figure out, like you said earlier, do they need something else from me and what can I sell then? It’s not even hard to get what we want. But we first have to be brave enough to admit we want it and work through all of that stuff that comes up. And then just figure out the math, right?
Kara: Exactly. And I think even before, I think a lot of times we get stuck in the how trap. How do I get it? If I don’t have the money, how do I make it happen? And that can be frustrating as well. And I think that’s where we can have that beautiful pause where we just enjoy it. I just wonder, what is it that I really want? And then enjoy the how coming to light with time. Because that’s what happens for me, I’m like, “I don’t know how it’s going to happen.” I have a goal to make half a million dollars next year. Don’t know how I’m going to get there.
And I’m just, I’m enjoying being a coach that makes half a million dollars right now.
Tobi: I love this, yes.
Kara: And I don’t have the money in the bank, but I can see. I know what my bank account looks like on a daily basis and I’m just adding a few zeroes and I’m enjoying seeing that. So, I think being in the space of belief and that we can have it allows the how to just kind of come to us when it’s time to come to us.
Tobi: Yeah. You totally shifted my energy because I was for sure not enjoying the process of how to figure out to how to get my private chef three or four days a week. I was actually just really kind of frankly pissed off about it. And almost feeling victimy and sorry for myself. And then came the thoughts on top of that, but what a spoiled brat to feel victimy because poor you, you can’t have a private chef. All of that was happening. I was not enjoying it. I was not making mood boards and vision boards with these beautiful I mages of people cooking stuff.
And envisioning them in my kitchen and how it would feel and how happy I’d be. But now I am, and I feel this tingly amazing feeling inside that’s 180 degrees from how I was feeling when I was mad about it.
Kara: It’s so good. And I think like we talked about a little earlier is that it is a skill to develop the wanting and the enjoying ahead of time. And I think it just feels really good. So, I think if we can just ask ourselves to do that more often I think the experience would just be so much more pleasurable. But I definitely can relate with wanting it. But I also, it makes me think why are we sometimes in such a hurry to have what we want as well?
Tobi: Interesting. Good question. Why am I? Yeah, and the sense of urgency I’m telling myself that I have to get this fixed right now. I can’t spend another day mad at this. It’s this story I’m telling myself of how I’ve dealt with this miserable problem of food. And I get into all of the America, and we put chemicals in everything. I go in this big dramatic story, and it has to be fixed this afternoon for sure, or just forget it, all or nothing thinking. Yeah, and it feels so urgent right at this moment.
Kara: Yeah. And I think making space for allowing ourselves to have those moments as well. It’s part of being a human and having a human brain. And sometimes I’m going to want it when I want it, right?
Tobi: Yeah. But I love thinking of myself as being on the path to already getting it instead of not being able to have it. Those are two totally, like you said earlier about you. If I’m like, I don’t know when they’re going to show up, but my experience is that every time I let myself go there it shows up way faster and way easier than I ever imagined that it would be.
Kara: Yes, absolutely. Yeah, and I think it’s because we’re not so focused, hyper focused on it. When you’re hyper focused on something that you don’t have, you notice it takes a long time to get it even though the actual amount of time isn’t that long. But if we kind of let ourselves relax into it and not focus on the fact that it’s not here, the time passes by so fast because we’re enjoying it.
Tobi: Yes. I was meant to talk to you today 100%. I thought we were going to talk about money and now you literally came right into my life to solve this problem for me. When you were describing that I was even just imagining myself allowing myself to just do my yoga and meditation and just thinking about it’s happening and it’s coming. It’s all so beautiful. And I was making it such a big, ugly, painful scenario just with my thoughts and feelings.
Kara: Yeah, which is totally normal.
Tobi: Normal, yes, we do it all the time. Right, okay, so let’s get into the next place. Okay, we’ve decided we want it, we’re even on the path, we’re thinking of ourselves on the way to the chef, and the half a million dollars, all of it. But then what about the days that you’re like, “But I stayed up too late last night watching Netflix and I have so much crap to do today, and I just don’t feel like it. And I don’t want to go”, whatever. I don’t want to go sell stuff so I can have my chef. I don’t to go to the gym so I can have my health.
I don’t want to whatever, show up and coach so I can hit my half a million dollars. What do we do about that? How do we really show up and create what we say we want to create?
Kara: Absolutely. I think that you hit the nail on the head because those are days where our brains and ourselves, we just don’t want to show up. I think what I recommend is that we ask ourselves if that’s a good reason not to do it? Is that a good reason I don’t want to, to not do something? And for me it’s never really a good reason because I don’t enjoy my time when I’m not doing it. So, for example, if I’m watching Netflix and I said I was going to write a newsletter. I’m not enjoying watching Netflix because my brain is spitting on what I should be doing, what I said I would do.
So, I’d rather just go ahead and get it out of the way, write the newsletter so I can really enjoy my time.
Tobi: That’s so good. You’re teaching me about pleasure all the way around which I know is something that I’ve wanted. It’s kind of a goal of mine, honestly to have more pleasure, more play in my life. And so, I love how you’re – almost everything you’ve talked about keeps bringing us back to this enjoying, this pleasure because I think you’re so right. We go through life not letting ourselves have what we want but not enjoying whatever we let ourselves have. So, it’s the waste of both worlds. It’s like a prison on both sides. We’re totally trapped and unhappy.
So, you’re kind of saying actually do both, engineer it so you enjoy the moment you’re in and also set yourself up to have more of what you want.
Kara: Absolutely. And then in those moments also deciding what do I want most? So again, going back to Netflix, do I really want this? And there’s pleasure there for sure. But when I think about what writing to my audience and what that’s going to create for my life versus what sitting down watching Netflix will create. In this moment what do I want most? Is a beautiful question I love to ask myself.
Tobi: I agree. And I think what’s coming up for me because a lot of times we hear these examples of Netflix and it kind of in essence almost ends up like, well, if you really want to be successful you can never watch Netflix, which I don’t believe in at all. But our world and our hustle culture wants us to believe things like that. So, what I loved about when you were talking it was bringing up the why behind why I’m doing it.
So, if I’m like, okay, I want to watch Netflix because I have a plan and a date with my family. And we’re going to connect. And we’re going to chill. And we’re going to feel like we love each other so much. And we’re going to enjoy this together. Then yeah, I want to be there for that. But if I’m just buffering with Netflix to not write my newsletter, that’s a whole different story. They’re two totally different things.
Kara: I’m so glad you said that because it really is a way for us to, a lot of times, even productive things, I find myself tidying up when I want to avoid something my brain is thinking is hard. And I say I want to do it and I know that it’s a step towards what I ultimately want. But I don’t feel like it because I don’t want to feel uncomfortable. So, I turn off my emotions with something. That’s kind of tricky because we think it’s productive to tidy up. I’m not watching Netflix, I’m kind of doing the laundry which is great.
Tobi: Yeah, I’m cleaning out my inbox. I’m organizing my recipes or something, yeah.
Kara: It’s great to be onto ourselves and with love and compassion. From that space of I see what you’re doing. You’re kind of afraid and that’s okay. And really just guide ourselves and sell ourselves on what do we want most. And I think this is a great skill for those of us who do sell to other people. It’s learning how to overcome our own objections that I don’t feel like it, it won’t work. A lot of the negative self-talk that our brain offers us to overcome that and still do things even though we don’t feel like it, and even though it feels uncomfortable, yeah.
Tobi: Yes, absolutely, I love that, so good. So, any other ways that we should approach those, so besides just being onto ourselves? Anything around specific objections that comes to mind? Because I do think we can get pretty good about if we blow through the first excuse, we have seven other ones waiting in the wing. I find myself always ready to go, “Okay, fine, it’s not the money, then it’s the this. Okay, it’s not that, then it’s this.” Because we really put up a lot of roadblocks a lot of times.
I always feel like I have all these bricks and I’m building a wall between myself and this other thing I want with all my excuses. So, any specific thoughts or tips around that you’ve used to get through some more of those obstacles besides just the awareness?
Kara: Yeah. When I look at the end of my day and see what I’ve accomplished, the results of my day and the outcomes, and the achievements don’t lie. You know what you’ve been thinking and what you really want based on the results that you’ve achieved during the day or for the month. So, if you say you want something and you consistently aren’t achieving it, the thoughts that will get you there and the beliefs that will get you there aren’t activated. There are some other beliefs activated.
There is the noise of it’s too hard, or I don’t know how to do this, or like you said, that pile of excuses, those are the ones that are activated. And that’s a tell because the results aren’t there. So, I think looking over a period of time and you’re saying, “I want this. I don’t have it.” Then you look for the thoughts that’s keeping you from not having it. And those are the thoughts that are activated. And it’s just a simple shift of what thoughts do I want to activate and identifying those.
Tobi: Yeah. And you mentioned to me, you may have said it in this episode. I think you said it before we started recording that the interesting thing for you is you’re currently, which is true for me too, currently working towards a lot of things that you want that you’ve never had before or never done before. And so often when I’m coaching other people that’s the excuse I hear, “I’ve never done this before.” As if that’s a legit excuse. Yeah, right, okay then just quit, I’ve got to get to.
But that’s of course we’ve never done anything until we do it for the first time. Anything we’ve ever done in our life we’ve had to do it to begin with. So, what’s kind of special or unique about this concept of I’ve never done it before and how do we work through that one?
Kara: Yeah, that’s a firm one for me because it’s really easy to say, “I’ve never done it before, so I don’t know how.” So, we just kind of can give up and get that sense of relief because it takes energy to think about something you’ve never done before and how to do it. And then also around that disappointment, that failure, that might happen. So, the future self-work which I know that you know a lot about and doing that type of work is really fascinating.
To be able, to tie this back to our earlier conversation, to be able to want something and of course my brain says, “Well, you’ve never done it before.” Of course, I’ve never done it before because it’s something I want in my future. It’s not something I’m wanting for my past. So, I think it’s kind of agreeing with your brain and not making it a problem. I’ve never done it before. Yeah, right, okay. But that’s not a reason not to try something to figure out how to do it.
Tobi: So then do you go out to your, like I’ve done before, and I love that you’re bringing this up because I think I forget this a lot. But then do you go out to imagining your future self who already has it and tap into what she would know about getting there? You go as far as if I’m at that point and I have my chef and I don’t even know if that’s six months from now or six years from now, but I have her or him, and I see myself there. And you tap into the wisdom of if you were her what would she tell you right now about what to do next?
Kara: I do somewhat. I don’t get as much conversational. I like to envision and just see it. And just let it be there and play with it. Really think about, well, what would that look like? For me again using my example of being a half a million-dollar coach. I’m like, “Okay, well, I know I want to work the same number of hours.” Just playing around with not really asking for advice necessarily. That’s not my practice. But just envisioning what that would look like and feel like. What do I want it to look like? What do I want it to feel like? And then letting the pieces and the how kind of just come to me.
Tobi: I love that you’re talking about feeling because I think so often I’m guilty because I’m smart, and quick, and I know you are too, and bright. And I let my T’s override my F’s a lot. I stay in my thoughts way more than I go to my feelings. But when earlier I was describing the transformation I got from hearing you. I described it as a feeling. I’m like, “Ooh, now that I’m thinking about my chef I feel all tingly and it’s fun and I feel joy.” But when I’m trying to figure out how to get him or her in my life I’m going at that through my thoughts not my feelings.
And so that really is interesting to me because you mentioned specifically multiple times today the feeling, the feeling of joy and enjoying it. Is that just something that comes more naturally to you, or have you consciously decided to sort of come at this through the feeling instead of the thought?
Kara: I think it’s a mix of both actually. I know we are feeling beings as humans. We say, “How are you doing?” And we answer with a feeling, “I’m doing okay, I’m feeling well. I’m excited. I’m happy.” So, we express how we are through our feelings. So, I just think it’s fun to say, “Well, what would that feel like to be there?” Because I think we are driven to things, to results because of the feeling that we think we’ll have once we’ll get there. So, to kind of imagine what that would be like and again, tying it back to our earlier conversation I was like, “How can I enjoy that on the way?”
Of feeling that emotion of just accomplishment I think for me is what it is. I will just feel accomplished in helping more people, having the platforms that I want. And yeah, I’m showing up and contributing the way that I want to. And that feels so accomplished and fulfilling. And I can feel that today and on the way.
Tobi: Well, yes, the minute you said that of going to the feeling in the future, you said we’re driven to find the solution. The thought that immediately came to my mind right before you’d said driven was motivated which is so similar. It motivates us. And so, I could relate to that because I’m like in my head, in my future self, how does she feel when this whole food thing that feels like a problem right now is handled. And I feel free which is always the feeling for me personally that I want more than anything else in the world is free.
And it just felt so freeing to think I don’t have to decide what’s for dinner, it’s already handled. I don’t have to put that on my husband or my child. I can just pay someone and then it’s handled and we’re all free and happy. And that motivates me 100% to figure this out in a whole new way because I can see sort of the consequences or results that would come from following that through.
Kara: That’s so amazing. To be able to see that and know that that say vibration in your body, because that’s what feelings are for us is just the vibrations we feel from these emotions. And noticing where else that lights up in your life I think could be a little fun exercise. If you know that’s an emotion that’s really juicy and feels good to you then where else can I get that emotion? Because that’s really what you’re going for, what other areas of my life.
Tobi: Yeah. Where else am I telling myself I’m not free or at least not free to do what I want. It’s not like I’m not necessarily free. I have a whole lot of privilege. And I have a whole lot of access, financial privilege and other things. But still, there’s a lot of places where in my thoughts I don’t have the freedom to just do as I wish or as I would like because of the way I’m thinking about it. Yeah, so if freedom is my feeling maybe I then tap into, close my eyes and I’m like, “Where else am I not feeling that freedom?”
And that could be true for anybody if they’re like, “I see that this lights up love, or joy”, or something, I bet they could say, “Where else am I not feeling joy? At my work, in my relationships.” It’s so interesting. I bet the pattern is true for a lot of us because we’re creatures of habits, right?
Kara: That’s exactly what I was going to say. Our feelings are habitual. Our thoughts are habitual, our behavior, all of it. So, if we have that shift and can notice where we can borrow, where you say, “I have a lot of freedom and access.” Where can I borrow some of that and put it in other areas of my life that I don’t quite see it yet?
Tobi: This is so good. You are coaching me today, girl.
Kara: It’s so fun.
Tobi: You came for a podcast, but you didn’t know you were going to do a free coaching session in the process. I mean you are speaking to me so much. And it’s such a reminder. It is with that whole where we started with what we want. There’s so many places that we are consistently shutting down over and over again what we want in all kinds of ways all across our lives.
Kara: Absolutely. And to think about how short in the grand scheme of things our life is here on this Earth, to think about shutting our desires down, it just makes me feel sad for myself, for other people. So, if I can have a voice that kind of can crack that open for someone a little bit, it’s amazing because it doesn’t cost anything to dream. And to just lean into your desires with wonder. And even if you don’t create them or they don’t manifest, at least you experience the dream of them.
And maybe there’s some, yeah, some disappointment there. But that’s part of the human experience too. And I think we can open up to that. But I’m a firm believer that as long as we keep going we’ll get there. So, the disappointment itself is temporary as well.
Tobi: And what we learn even if we don’t get that one thing, maybe the very lesson then it helps us get the next thing that we want.
Kara: I love that, yes.
Tobi: You either win or you learn. And so sometimes maybe we don’t for whatever reason, depending on your beliefs, you’re not supposed to have it, or you just weren’t in the right head space to create it or whatever. But what can we learn, I didn’t get that, but it has no bearing on what I am able to get in the future? It’s not like, I never get what I want which is this past self-story. It’s like that one didn’t work out like I was thinking but what can I learn to apply it to the next thing I want? That’s so good.
Kara: Absolutely. Absolutely.
Tobi: I feel like you took me to church today, it was a religious experience. It was at my soul level today, seriously. And I am so grateful. And I hope that everybody that listens really gets this much of an aha. And I think it’s really fun that our examples were not just these altruistic, or goals that we think we should have. We even talked about luxury things because I think a lot of times people just shut luxury things down. That’s wasteful. That’s arrogant. That’s whatever and making it mean it’s something about them.
So, it’s even kind of more, I think, effective when we take the thing that we have a story around why we couldn’t have it or shouldn’t even want it. And we do this work around making it okay to want it and to receive it, to get it, right?
Kara: Absolutely. And I think even the work I’ve done around that as well is whose beliefs are those? Is this something my family handed me? Something society conditioned me to believe? Question if it’s even really true for me. And I think that’s a step that a lot of us don’t take around things that we have shoulds about. I shouldn’t want that. I shouldn’t do that. Where did that rule come from? And do I like the reason I’m still holding onto it?
Tobi: Yes. Oh my gosh. Well, anything else before we wrap up? I mean my gosh, I feel like I’ve been transformed in I don’t know how long we’ve been talking, less than an hour, it’s so good. Everybody that’s thinking about hiring Kara, honestly, she can clearly work magic in less than an hour. But did we miss anything that was really important to you around this topic or any kind of words you want to leave people with as they think about doing this work?
Kara: Absolutely. I think just to wrap it up. You wrap it up so nicely. I love your synopsis of how you wrap things up. But I would say just to open your heart up to your true desires. I think that’s what we’ve talked about. And that’s what we’ve encouraged your listeners to do. So, if they can just do that in the slightest little bit, maybe choose one area of their life that they want to do that and just play. Let it be fun. Let it be free. And just play there and see what comes up.
Tobi: Yeah. And if you all figure out how to pay for a personal chef and how much it costs, DM me on Instagram.
Kara: Love it.
Tobi: Well, thank you so much. Where does everybody find you? Because some people are for sure going to be like, “Give me all the things this woman has.” Where do they find you?
Kara: Yes. I’m on Instagram mostly @karagaisiecoaching. So just come over there and follow me and I’d love to brighten your day, so yeah.
Tobi: Amazing. Well, I’m super grateful for you. It was so fun. I’m happy to get to know you more.
Kara: Yes, thank you.
Tobi: And I can’t wait to keep connecting with you. So yeah, so happy you were here.
Kara: Thank you for having me, Tobi, this has been amazing.
Alright, friends, I hope you’re ready to commit to what you really want and practice enjoying it before you even have it, or even if you never have it. I have heard this before kind of, but it sunk in, in a whole new way today. And I fully am picking up what she’s putting down. I buy into all of it. I get what she’s talking about, and I can’t wait to practice this. I can tell already it’s going to be life changing. And I do believe that if we’re willing to do this, if we’re willing to enjoy stuff before we even have it, I bet we’ll end up having way more of the stuff we really want in our life.
So, I can’t wait to hear from you. Kara can’t wait to hear from you. Reach out to us both on Instagram. Tell us what you thought. And I will be back here next week with another great episode, probably an interview if I had to guess, on the Design You podcast. Okay, so I’ll see you here next week. Bye for now.
Thank you so much for listening to the Design You podcast, and if you are ready to dig deep and do the important work we talk about here on the podcast of transforming your mindset and creating a scalable online business model, there has never been a more important time than right now. So, join me and the incredible creative entrepreneurs in my Design You coaching program today. You can get all the details at TobiFairley.com.
