Posts Tagged ‘being calm’

The Joy of Saying YES to Yourself!

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How many days do you give yourself permission to follow your heart? To listen to your body? To be in charge of your own schedule? When I am consulting with other business people and creatives, I call this driving the bus. And it sounds great, doesn’t it. Many of us want to yell “Hell yes I am in charge of my own life!” but how many of us really are? Probably very few.

We are taught from a very young age that someone else is in charge of the “rules.” We are expected to meet other peoples’ expectations and deadlines and parameters. We learn that we “should” do a lot of things and that we “have to” be a certain way or check certain boxes or finish certain activities to be accepted, successful, popular. We learn that life is all about achievements and belonging instead of following your heart or your gut.

There is a lot of lip service these days given to being authentic, to “you doing you.” But I don’t feel like we give ourselves or others permission to really do that. And I have to tell you that I am over this masochistic way of living. It takes a toll on your physical and mental health but especially your happiness and joy. I have been a rule follower for about 45 years now. But I am tired of following the rules someone else created for me, or worse, that I set for myself based on achieving some level of success or attaining the approval of others – my family and society.

Whether your personal set of rules and expectations come from your parents and their core beliefs (this is where most of us start our rules), from society, from your professional industry, from your political affiliation, or just from your own super-high standards like I have, it’s time to challenge those rules, to dig deep and have the courage to design a life that really brings joy. It’s time to say YES to ourselves.

I want this more than anything for my daughter. Recognizing now that I am a recovering workaholic – addicted to work and achievement – I have a lot of wisdom to share with her about what an authentic life looks like. I know that no amount of success, accolades, awards, or accomplishments really feed your soul. And trust me, being on this sort of hamster wheel is exhausting. I’ve learned that the things that are truly meaningful in life are about connection – true connection with those you love plus loving and accepting yourself and a whole lot less proving, hustling, and trying to work our way to some level of happiness. Working your way to Joy just doesn’t happen long term.

So as you may recall, I have two resolutions this year – yes only two. That is saying a lot, because this major goal-setting, workaholic mama is crazy about goals and resolutions. I have had years where I had 10 or more. Geez! How did I think I could focus on 10 things at once?!? But this year my two resolutions are find more joy and love myself more.

And loving myself more means saying YES to myself. So what does that mean? It means when I feel like lying in bed all day on a Saturday or even on a Tuesday morning…I say YES and rearrange my schedule! It means when I feel my gut and my neck get all tense and tight because I have committed to something that I shouldn’t have and I ask myself if I can back out of it…I say YES and I make the call to un-commit! It means that if the old version of me is saying I “should” be accomplishing my next big goal or dream and my authentic self says I just want to lay low for a while and rest…I say YES! Saying yes to yourself takes courage. It means ignoring FOMO or “the fear of missing out” in exchange for putting your health and wellbeing first. It means taking a chance that someone will be mad at you, disappointed, or that they will forget you or not ask you next time and that’s scary. But it’s also empowering.

Most of us, especially women, spend a lifetime denying ourselves and our wishes in exchange for doing what makes other people happy. Especially in the South, we are taught to be quiet and look pretty. We are taught to go along with what other people want and don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. We are taught to say yes to everyone and everything but us. We are taught the “responsible,” “admirable,” “appropriate” thing to do is what other people want us to do, or what we said we were going to do. We are not supposed to change our minds. In many ways, we are not supposed to be honest. We are not supposed to cause a problem. We are supposed to suck it up and do what makes everyone else feel good. And I am here to tell you that doesn’t equal health and happiness. That is not a recipe for joy.

So what would it take for you to stop telling yourself you have to, should, must, ought to, promised to and all those other absolutes you are pummeling yourself with, and start saying yes to your heart, your body, and your mind? What would it take for you to have the courage to say I thought I wanted that, but now I want something different? Or to say, that was great for a season of my life but now I am in a new season? Or as Maya Angelou said, when I know better I do better? What would give you the guts to do better with being kind and honest to yourself and saying YES to what you really want?

I know it’s hard, but it’s oh-so worth it. Be true to you before you commit to anyone else. Keep your word to yourself about what is right for you and what you really want. We’ve heard it so many times and it’s so hard to really believe, but life really is short. And it’s way too short to live a life that you dread every day or that sucks the life out of you on a regular basis.

We are supposed to feel good every day. We are not supposed to be constantly exhausted, stressed out, and overworked only leaving the miserable, grumpy, tired, and depleted version of ourselves for our families to deal with at the end of every day. If you are feeling that way on a regular basis, something is wrong. I’ve been there. And I am so happy to be in a much more relaxed state these days. I’m sure my family is happy about that too! (wink)

If you are creating a ridiculous schedule where your life is so full of noise and very little peace, how can you ever even hear your body or mind when it’s screaming at you that you’ve had enough?

Listen to yourself. Love yourself and say YES to yourself. Remember that no one ever says on their death bed, “I wish I had worked more” but most wish they had followed their hearts.

You deserve it.

Joyfully yours,







Saturday’s Secret Sauce: Enjoy the Little Things!

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Today I am a Dance Mom. Probably not like the ones on the show I’ve heard about, ha! But today I am the mom of a dancer. Today I’m not an Interior Designer, or a Product Designer, or a Blogger, or a Baker, or a Yogi, or Business Consultant. I am just a Dance Mom.


Yesterday life was hard. You know those days when everything you do seems like a challenge? There seemed to be a problem or a complication with just about every part of the day, and I found it really hard to focus on the good. I found it difficult to count my blessings. Which when I stepped back, was silly. I was being spoiled. My problems were so teeny, tiny in the grand scheme of life. But in the trenches they seemed enormous. They weren’t. I complained a lot. It didn’t make be feel better.


As much as I would like to think I have it all together, many days I feel like a mess. I feel like nothing’s working. I feel like a disaster. And many of you may be thinking “Wow, if you are a disaster, Tobi, then what am I?” But you see that’s the thing. We are all disasters. And we are all perfect. All at the same time. And we all look at each other and think that we are the only ones who don’t have it all together. That we are the only mess. We are all a mess. We must embrace the mess.


But no matter how big of a mess I am, there are days that I am a Dance Mom. Even when I don’t have time to be a Dance Mom. Even when I have a million other things that I should be doing instead of spending 10 hours out of town at a dance competition, there is absolutely NOTHING more important. Because in between goals, there is a thing called life that has to be lived and enjoyed.


Because while I am telling myself how important a billion other things are, and how anything else is a distraction, it’s not really true. And I don’t even mean it. Or believe it. People will survive without me. Designs will wait one more day. Clients and staff can make it through the weekend. But my daughter will not dance her little heart out without me on the sidelines. She will know if I am not there. And I wouldn’t miss it for the world.


I think the REAL secret sauce above all other sauce is to enjoy the little things. It’s not a secret. We know this, right?  So why is it so hard to practice? Why do we make living so much harder than it has to be? Why do we keep joy at arm’s length? Why can’t we just lean into it, and relax, and drink it up? Why do we lie to ourselves about what we have time for? The truth is that we have absolutely the perfect amount of time to do what is really important to us. So it’s not a time issue, it’s a priority issue.


Both Oxford Dictionary and the Urban Dictionary say the word that means “Calm down and relax” is Chillax. And that is my daughter’s mantra or as she calls it her “catch phrase”. In fact she deemed it her 2015 word of the year and she’s 10. Maybe it should have been mine. Obviously, she’s wise beyond her years. It’s most certainly her daily advice to me. “Chillax, Mom”. So today I will Chillax–both calm down AND relax. And I will breathe. And I will be. Just be. With her. Chillaxin’.


Today my priority is Dance Mom. And I will be the best darn (and most Chillaxed) Dance Mom I can be. It’s funny, isn’t it? And it’s great. Life is Amazing…if we let it be.


People are what’s important. Moments are Precious. The wise say “collect moments, not things”. That’s why they are wise. From the moment, a woman is pregnant everyone around us says, “It goes so fast!” “Soak it up.” “Time flies, they will be grown in a flash”. And before your baby is even here, you tire of hearing it. Ok already! Geez. we get it, it’s fast. But boy is it ever fast! It is so freaking fast. Ten years later seems like 10 seconds. It’s like lightening. If you blink…gone.


I will never have this day again, so today I am a Dance Mom. And I will soak it in. I will engrave it in my memory. And I will enjoy every minute of it, because this my friends, is the Secret Sauce.


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